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Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Share my beautiful dog followed me with her black round eyes as I moved around my room, clearing a space close to my bed for her to rest. She laid her head down on the side of her cushioned flowered bed as I approached her. It had been a very rough day for both of us and it did not seem to be improving. I wanted to hang onto the words the vet had said earlier that day. Keep her comfortable and try to get her drink, she would be fine tonight. He wanted to see her immediately in the morning to do more test. We both felt it was better for her to spend the night at home, where she could rest more comfortably. Cradling her small head in my hand gently I put an eye dropper of water to her mouth. Opening slightly she licked at it. I clung to the small hope that If I could just try to keep liquids in her it would improve her condition. She no longer seemed to have any energy to move as I covered her with the towel I had laid beside her earlier. Tears fell from my eyes as she laid there so still looking up at me. Deep inside me, I knew my beloved pet was in fact dying before me, and there was nothing more I could do for her, except keep her comfortable. Petting her gently and laying her head back down to rest, I let the tears fall and I said my goodbyes.

I was hesitant at first to reach for Share when I saw that she still laid in the same spot I had put her in the night before. I placed my hand gently on her hoping desperately to be wrong, I could feel deaths coldness immediately.

Sometime during the early morning hours my Share had passed away. I was silent with grief. How would I tell the boys. Memories of Share with the boys flooded me. Seven years was hardly enough time to have her in our lives. This just all seemed to be so unreal. I Stared at the pink coat she was wearing, that I placed on her the day before to help keep her warm.

Death had been an issue the boys had been questioning lately. It was a subject I wanted to deter them from. The death of a peer, a month earlier who had suffered from Duchenne, left my sons a bit concerned. Delicately I searched for ways to assure them all things had to die but it was God who decided when, and now was not their time. It seemed we had worked through some anxiousness and the boys at least appeared to at ease.

Share's lifeless body laid before me. What would this do to their already shaken spirits? I was lucky to have my sister Marie at my side this morning. Our eyes meeting as we knelt down next to my beloved pet. No words were needed, our tearful glances to each other let me know she felt my sorrow. I told the boys after school that day. In my arms I held them closely, my sister embracing us all.

Josiah asked through his tears would he die like Share. My heart broke. In my arms I clutched my son tightly against me. I hated Duchenne. We would get through this loss together. Our pain from losing Share would lessen each day. But the fear that DMD brought into my sons world only hovered more. Casting my own fears a side I struggled to find ways to help them see past theirs

Josiah and Cody very casually mention death on occasion, like all things Duchenne has brought into our world we have had to accept and adapt. We will live with the fear of knowing the course this disease will take. We will also hang onto hope.