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Saturday, September 3, 2011

I will hold you when you are down. I won't leave you alone to face the sorrow. You have all of me. When you are cold I will be there to keep you warm. I will show you the way when you are lost. I will bring you home. If you want to cry I will dry your eyes. I will never leave you. Together we will fight. We will find strength in each other. When your muscles fail I will carry you. If your hope fades I will hold your hand and help you to find faith again. We will never give up because we have so much to give. Through shaking hands and tears of fear we will we see the sun come out again.

When I need to hear" I can" I will look to you for courage. When I am down I will let you bring me up. I will not be able to always hide my fear but, I will be strong enough to let you know I am not afraid to face my fear. I will never walk away from us. When the days seem short and the nights to long I will look at you to find the energy to get through.

By your side I will walk, in your shadow I will shine. You will be my guide on this journey. When the path becomes to rough I will lay down to help you cross. I will let you be the light that takes us from here to greater places. You are so much more than you will ever know. You are my reason to breathe, the reason I am here. There is so much more than what we see. Together we will reach out. Through you- my Josiah and Cody I will touch the world with my words. I will let your spirit soar with hope and inspiration.

Friday, September 2, 2011

I put on my green water waders pulling them over my knees, tightening the straps around my slender thighs. Stepping off the dock into the lake, instantly I could feel the coolness of the water through the rubber, as it encircled my boots. I scanned the shore line, following its path as far as I could see. The worn earth from the summers flooding made the banks appear almost jagged in spots. It was clear there was so much needed work ahead. Mechanically I began moving rocks back to the shores bank. This I knew I was good at, making things look good even if they are not. Storms had raged through the area over the summer, but we had managed to stay safe. I looked over at the brown grass that remained from the lakes cresting into my yard. Yes, indeed we were lucky and spared. But why now as I worked to clean natures mess did I feel emotions flooding me. Inside I felt overwhelmed. It was another Labor Day weekend, that time of year again that leaves me feeling helpless and emotionally alone. Damn, why did I let it control me so deeply? It seemed no matter how hard I tried to stop it, labor Day hit me like a hurricane. As if I have no control, I can feel it rip me in half. Leaving me broken and reminding me of what I have lost and what is to come.

I wanted desperately to feel anything but this explosion of pain that was grasping at me now. I worked harder at picking up rocks and moving them closer to the shore. Hoping that if nothing else exhaustion would rescue me. Stopping briefly I straightened my back, I was beginning to feel some strain. However, I was not having any relief from my Labor Day anxiety attack. I began to feel the sting of anger, this was my free weekend, my weekend off. My weekend to reward myself and rest from the daily lifting I do caring for my sons. What was this I was doing? I am not sure how long I stood there in my waders but, somewhere from deep inside me the answer touched me. Like a breeze blowing through me I felt myself absorbed in the reason why. As much as I have grown to hate DMD it is my world and with out it I have nothing. It is my reason why I fight so hard to see my sons succeed. Its the reason why I push my weary worn body to the limit. It has become my passion and in the most covert ways it controls me. It is also the reason I fight so diligently for something somewhere along this journey to be my escape. A place to let me step away from my fears for mere seconds.

Exhaustion was not going to rescue me I knew tonight. I would have to face my Labor Day woes and find someway to get through them. I will allow myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel, but this time I will look it straight on "with dignity and pride"-words from a FB friend with DMD. Only this year I will accept this is just another part of my world, knowing this too will pass.