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Wednesday, May 20, 2015

My own deep thoughts

As I tried desperately to put my thoughts into a contained place so I could unleash my  creativity and write  about love and romance for my  writers group meeting, parts of me wandered deeper into  another channel of my mind. So with that, I spent a good part of the end of my weekend wrestling with my very private rationalizing, regarding a very tender subject  to me.  Grief, Chronic Sorrow, life after loosing a loved one.

Over the weekend I  reunited with a dear friend from my younger years. I had accepted an invitation to my best friend from high school  daughter's graduation party. I was thrilled  to be able to join in the celebration for  her  youngest child.  Excited, to wish her well  as she takes the next steps to begin a new journey of another chapter in her young life. But more than that, it was a chance for my friend and I to  share joyous parts of our lives for a few moments,  after all these years.

As I  met with my friend,  I was delighted that I also was able to visit briefly with her mother. I was in awe,  that her mother remembered me and was only to happy to recapture  a few highlights from our younger days.  Days of big hair-dos and designer jeans. A time for us when life was just a bit simpler. A time when we were not the parents and eagerly beginning our very own journeys in life.

It was a great pleasure to reminisce the past years of our youth and then share in minor details of some current  events of our personal lives. With promises to have a girls night soon, I departed. 

Later that night lost in my reflection of the day's events I retired to my room thinking about how very differently our lives have been played out. Even though we were both mothers to three children, now single again - picking up the pieces from broken marriages and moving on from our own personal heart-aches, our lives had indeed differed.

  I could not help but wonder how it must feel to have a  mother  there to share in  the celebration of my children's high school graduations. How full her world must have been to have her parents there to to be part of her world  while she raised her children. While elated  to see her mother I was also touched with sorrow as I was reminded of the losses I had long ago learnt to accept into my world.  

My mother died 20 feet from where I stood while I was engaged in a passionate conversation with my younger sister regarding some current crisis of our own emotions.  With a long sigh  she breathed in one last time.  Silently  a single tear  rolled down her cheek as we watched her  through our own tears move from this world to another. Leaving behind my two sisters and I. The Three of us now, all  that remains  from my family of 8. 

Twenty two years later I am brought back to that time  when I held a life in my womb as my heart said good bye to another.  Only my eldest son Zach had the honor and privilege of meeting my parents. His time with them cut all to short as they became victims of cancer. I was in my first trimester with my second child when my mother passed away  following my fathers death nine months earlier.

So I found myself now thinking  about memories that I neatly had tucked away. Perhaps for a moment just like this, to now be let to resurface. Precious times I shared with the members of my family that I so ardently missed now. Emotions within me triggered, calling out to me, as I shared in celebration for those friends around me, while silently tending to my secret sorrow. Sorrow from a world filled with saying goodbye to loved ones far to soon. Heart ache from accepting that one day far to soon  my two youngest sons will  also join my parents and my three brothers in the after life.
So with love and courage I move on, carrying with me the chronic sorrow of living with loss as I accept all that  my two terminally ill  sons will never experience. Along with the pain of knowing, once again far to soon I will have to say goodbye and find the courage to look past all the sorrow to see my tomorrow.


Monday, May 4, 2015

the scrape

 The water trickled slowly.  Eve held her scratched and bleeding hands under the worn rusty sprocket.  Wincing at the pain the cool water brought.  She looked down at her knees that were now caked with mud and blood.  She was hurt,  but it  appeared to be only flesh wounds.  Wounds that would need to be cleaned and bandaged but that would hopefully not require any more medical attention.   She splashed the cool water first on one knee and then on the next.  Watching as the water, blood and mud trailed down each leg.   The sting increasing with each handful of water she brought to her  scraped knees.  Tears blurred her vision as she looked around the farm. Not to far off in the distance she noticed an old ranch house. Eve knew she needed help and she would have to somehow get herself to the house.

Slowly she rose to a standing position. Instantly a dizziness filled her aching head causing her to teeter backwards. Just as she began to feel herself slowly slip  to the ground she felt two very strong hands grab her shoulders to catch her. Then just as swiftly two strong arms lift her off the ground. She let herself surrender as she heard a deep soft voice in  a slight western drawl  say  "I have you  honey you will be fine". She laid her head against his welcomed chest,  listening to  his steady heart beat, as she watched the ranch house get  closer.  Very gently he carried her through the wooden screen door. She glanced around the rustic inside. It was neat with simple  wood furnishings, a definite mans home. He laid her carefully down on a wood framed over  sized couch. she looked up into his face as he leaned over her to adjust pillows under her hurting  head, which she now realized was also bleeding. His eyes stopped as they met hers. He smiled   as they locked gazes  momentarily, and asked if she was comfortable. His handsome face almost taking her breath away.   She just nodded yes while she felt her eyes fill again with tears and fatigue rip through her. As he rose  he told her softly to rest and that he would be right back with some soap, water and bandages.

The bright afternoon sun poured in through the large windows that were in front of her.  Eve tried to raise her head to take another look around but a sharp dull pain prevented her efforts. She collapsed back to the softness of the pillows and with in minutes her handsome hero was walking back to were she laid, carrying a tray of first-aide supplies.

He knelt down next to where she laid. She watched as he dipped a white finger towel into a bowl of sudsy water.  He carefully dabbed at her forehead,  his expression full of concern and kindness. "I am Cody". He told her as he dabbed at her head. Softly he apologized for the pain that his efforts caused.  Her eyes followed him silently as she watched him ring blood mixed with water from the cloth. 'Whats your name?" He asked while he worked at cleaning her wounds.  A hoarse whisper hardly sounding like herself at all, escaped from her parched lips.  "Eve." She answered.  "I am sorry" He offered again. "You are thirsty. Let me get you some cool water". She watched him head again  towards the same doorway and return shortly with a few water bottles. Without hesitation he opened a bottle and held it up to her dry chapped lips  while gently placing his other hand under her neck to help raise her head slightly.  Her eyes stayed fast on him with each movement.

The water glided down her throat with out much effort.  She had half the bottle finished before he spoke again. "I think we should get you some medical attention." He suggested as he  looked back at the wound on her head and then at her knees.  Watching her face closely he waited for a response.  "How bad is it?" She asked gesturing to her head and wondering when he was going to ask what happened.  "Well I am no doctor but, I am afraid it is going to need some stitching" he said.  Her face showed the sorrow his words gave her.  Almost immediately he responded with "honey don't worry, it is  a small slice, but it looks deep.  You will still be beautiful even with a slight alteration".    In spite of her pain she felt a slight smile cross her face.  This handsome stranger was flirting with her.