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Thursday, April 12, 2012

 I stood in the black glittery almost stiletto heels staring at my self in the full length mirror.  My legs appeared a bit longer  and more slender. Yes, the shoes my younger sister Roxanne had left behind, when she came to visit for Easter  did help me feel sexier, maybe even a bit younger.  I loved the sparkle, the shape and the height it gave me.  I smiled, admiring the way my calves appeared to have lengthened.  I followed my reflection,  stepping back as I turned slightly to catch a side glimpse.  They were deffinetely very glamorous shoes. Shoes that were me, perhaps some  20 years ago.  Shoes, that I would have danced the night away in and not given the heel height a second thought, years ago.  Shoes, that even though were my size, no longer fit in my life. Shoes that belonged in my younger sisters life style.

Carefully I stepped out of the high heels and planted my feet squarely back on the hard wood floor.  Twirling in my new dress I headed back down the hall to my bedroom.  Waiting for me in my closet were a lovely pair of sensible strappy sandals in black patent.  I slid my feet in them and stepped back out in to the hall to critique my  image.  My freshly painted pink  toenails matched the hot pink trim in my dress perfectly. While the heals were some what lower, I was very  pleased.  My feet I decided looked pretty with a sleek sexy bareness about them. Without anymore hesitation I knew my outfit was now complete and I was ready for the prom dance I had been invited to with my two younger sons the coming weekend.

My sister Marie and I had busily spent the early part of the week shortening our formal gowns to just above the knee.  Having been unable to find dresses that created the elegance we wanted in shorter lengths we opted to design our own versions.  By altering the hems lines of some off the rack prom dresses we had  found we were able to create gowns that allowed us the capability to move freely.  Accompanying my sons Cody and Josiah to prom was such an honor, we both looked forward too.  Even though this night was a formal affair we would still have to be caretakers and  lift and maneuver my sons through out the evening. Dressing for the occasion had such a deep  meaning to us.

I smiled to myself  recalling last years Shriners Prom.  We had just gotten to the dance, I was helping to get Cody out of my van and stepped on the hem of my dress, while adjusting him in his chair.  Only able to find one  safety pin, I tried desperately to create a neat gathering of fabric in the front of my ruby red gown and spent the rest of night trying to keep from stressing  the satin material.   By the end of the night I had ripped my dress down in a several places. I had decided  then and there on that night, I would never again  choose to wear a gown to the floor. Keeping in mind however to short poses a problem with lifting too. Strapless dresses are also not on my to wear list when I am in my caretaker mode.  I am some how unable to lift bodies and keep my top in place. A lesson also learnt the hard way.

With my  sons almost magically  coordinated  with our backless gowns we seem to be ready.   Using the  left over fabric from shortening our dresses  Marie  created bow ties and a cumberbun for Josiah  to match.  I will have to admit however I did have to really talk my both my sons into agreeing to wear the pink bow ties that  had been designed for them.  Now with their suits pressed we are all looking so forward to this wonderful evening.

While I anxiously await  this special evening with my sons I cannot help but think about  changes.  Not only changes age has made on me but changes the life I am called to live requires of me.  My life with Duchenne  at times demands of me to  surrender and adapt to changes.  Changes that I am not always eager to embrace or accept. The effect that this disease has had on my life is so great that even my fashion style has been effected.  I will always admire the glittery, and delicate clothing I once could adorn freely.  It will always be in me to secretly want to bare my shoulders or cover myself in sequence.  The shoes I buy now will have a somewhat lower modest heel to help me  stay balanced when  lifting more than my weight.  On occasion I hope to still attend events that will allow me the opportunity to  borrow a few accessories from  my younger sisters more youthful wardrobe.  I will however let her keep the stilettos on her feet and accept  that I must be a bit more grounded and at times even more modest to meet the tender needs of my sons.