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Monday, June 18, 2018

I needed to believe




I watched as his lips started to turn from a pale pink to a deep  purple.  My heart raced as fear began to rise up my throat, making me feel as though my own air was being cut off.  I knew this fear.  It was not new to me.  I had been down this road twice before. Five years prior with my eldest son Zach, who has been spared the  diagnosis of Muscular Dystrophy.  Then again 18 months ago with Josiah.  When he had caught influenza and pneumonia.  I felt so powerless, as we  waited for the ambulance.  Faster, I squeezed  the large ball attached to the mask I held over his face, that forced air into my baby.  Josiah"s big beautiful scared brown eyes stayed locked on me. His lips pursed slightly.  "Don't talk baby." I urged him.  "Just breath, help is almost here."

 I did not need a doctor to tell me what was happening.  Tears rolled down my face uncontrollably on the way to the hospital.  Josiah had aspirated on saliva. What I did not know was that one of the drugs he had been prescribed, for depression and OCD, side effects produced excess saliva.   Saliva in amounts to great for him to swallow safely.

In the ER I felt so small and utterly alone.  A mouse clinging to the side of his bed, begging for his life.  Watching through eyes blurred from tears,  I saw the numbers.   I stepped back as a crash team came running.  We were loosing Josiah.   I felt an arm around me  as one of the attendees tried to assure  me they were doing everything they could, and I  needed to let them do their job.  I wanted to hear the words he will be fine, but I saw the fear as I looked around the room.  And then my baby seized.  More staff came running ( stat).  I  took another step backwards.  His poor little body shook and then went stiff.  Another staff person  began asking me questions about his history if any with seizures, blood clots and his heart.

I stood there frozen feeling utterly alone, with pieces of me breaking. I watched his vitals plummet.   I needed to touch him.  To make sure he knew I was still here.  Most importantly I needed to call him back to me.  Seconds later they were whisking him off to scan for blood clots.  I was that small mouse again. Only this time  in a corner alone,  quivering in a wake of tears, begging God.

 Three  days after being admitted into the hospital his vitals began to crash a second time.  He  had another seizure, it took him two days to come out of.  I became lost in my fear that he might not be coming  home with me.  My fear was now accompanied with  anger.  Anger that my son was not getting better.  In  fact they were having a difficult time stabilizing him.  Along with that anger  a new sorrow had begun to grow with in me.  I knew the course of this disease.  I had watched it  savagely attack my three brothers through my childhood, until it claimed their lives.  Now  helplessly again, I watch my two youngest sons in the same  battle with  this merciless monster.  As a mom watching her  children in daily battle with a fatal disease, I also ardently pray, they do not  suffer this horrible fate longer because I am selfish and can't  let them  go.  Its a deep inner battle, I  struggle with, daily.   There will be some of you who  will not even come close to understanding this.

I stayed at Josiah's side for two weeks and three days during his stay in the hospital.  My fear felt so great, I at times trembled.  Fear from knowing, he will leave me far to early,  and there is nothing I can do about it, because that is the reality with  Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy.   It was a few days   after Josiah had crashed for the second time and had not yet showed to be making any improvements  that I saw him laying in bed  with his hands folded together across his chest.  I watched from across the room in silence.  A bit surprised he even had the strength to be  able to put his hands together.  Even on good days he often needed my assistance to move them.  Several minutes later he asked me to turn  him on his side.  As I  helped him I asked  what he was just doing with his hands together.  He said quite simply  "talking to God." I smiled at him.   And then THE question came.  "Mom am I going to die."  What was left of My heart broke.  For him and for me.  I  was so very scared and desperately wanted to hide my fear from him.  But as I looked at his beautiful face, I saw it. He had folded his hands.  There it was, an improvement, my sign.  It was then that  I saw "what" he needed from me.  I felt the tears fall.  I let them , it was useless to fight them.  What he needed  now from me, was  strength.    Strength that I BELIEVED he would recover and come home with me.

I wont lie and say I even pretend to  understand anything at  all on this journey.  The tears fall frequently and most days I am to scared to even exhale.  As for prayers its usually me yelling at the power upstairs. For those of you who gasp at that notion-Seriously he already knows who I am and what I  am going to do.  Its me who has to learn on this journey.  For the record I have to share I always add in "Please don't let me be selfish by asking  him to suffer more on earth, for me.  Give me the strength to let go when its time.'  In  those difficult days  at my sons side when I felt as useless as a scared mouse, I believe I was meant to be right where I was at the exact moment "he" intended.

Josiah lungs and heart are good and they did not find a blood clot.
But we do now finally have an explanation for his seizures.  So he   has been diagnosed with more complications from another condition that he will have to live with.  However he  made a complete recovery from aspirating.  We have the saliva issue under control.  He was released from the hospital after 17 days.     I embrace each day with my sons because for now his journey is not over. 




 

Thursday, April 26, 2018





Eve moved quietly in next to Doc where he sat next to Zach.  He had been watching Zach closely.  His color was beginning to fade to an ashen.  He spent more time unconscious now  and his breathing seemed more labor.  She did not need to ask how he was doing.  what she saw told her they needed to act fast.

She laid the vials out in front of her and Doc.  "Tell me what you know". He said.  "Give me the details on what the lab was doing."  She pulled out the reports she had brought with her.  "It looks like they were injecting all the participants with the vial labeled  Alpha PTC9."  She paused and read some more.  "But there are parts in the report with highlighted  symbols and notes referring to file incomplete.  It looks like there was another compound created but no notes on the studies who were injected." Doc looked at the reports.  "Eve" he asked taking in a deep breath.  "Could there have been participants given a second injection that know one on your team  knew about.  No one that is other than a staff person operating under another order?"  Eve's colored drained from  her face.

 She remembered  corporate coming in to visit and  touring the labs.  Her boss in particular was very interested in the labs techs.  He had asked her to report to him directly, all  the research teams names, hours they worked the lab and  the files they were working on.  He had  even arranged to recruit a few of his own guys.  He created a lead position in the lab.  A lead she knew reported directly under him.   He wanted his guy kept abreast on all  activity in the lab.   Because he was her boss she had followed his command even though it left her in the dark as to what exactly his own team was doing  in the lab .

There was the sound of commotion coming from the hall.  Josiah placed his hand on his pistol,  motioned for Eve and Doc to stay put and hurried out to the hall.  Blake and George had entered the compound with Tony.  The Bloody corps in the hall stopped them all in their tracks.  They looked up to see Josiah standing watching them.    "what in the hell is going on here".  "We were called in for back up.  we did not know it was a multiple homicide case " .  Blake informed him.  Tony pushed past George and Blake.  "Where is Eve ?"  He demanded.  I am  the CEO of  Copeland.  Eve called me this morning.

Wednesday, April 11, 2018





 Cody felt a slight vibrate from his phone.  It was Josiah.  Sending him a text  to let him know Eve was safe with him.  Cody walked back towards the lab, feeling somewhat relieved.   He peaked in through a small window on the labs main door.  He watched silently as the female figure staggered  aimlessly around the room.  She dragged her feet across the linoleum floor, as if they were to heavy to lift.  Bumping into a chairs and tables occasionally.   He stood for a few moments watching,  not quite  exactly sure what  he should do with his capture.

His thoughts wandered monetarily back to Eve. He felt himself grow warm as he pictured her face.  Dang,   he was into her.  There was no use fighting it.  Before all of  this he was not even sure he could feel anything like this  again.  It was certainly not in his plan to allow his heart to feel so fast.

 When things had ended  with Julie two years prior  he had sworn off women.  He scraped up the shattered pieces of what was left of his heart and  vowed to keep himself occupied with the ranch.   The news of his break up traveled fast through the little town of Hill City.  It did not take long  before some of the single women  began paying  him attention when ever he ventured into town.  On occasion a few would wander out to his place to pay a little neighborly hello share a beer or two and extend an invitation to a  home  cooked meal.  Cody though a bit reserved, had always been neighborly and making small talk was just second nature to him.  It was a bit  obvious there were a few gals who made it very clear they had intentions to help the broken hearted hunk forget Julie fast.   Cody had never been a one night stand kind of guy and even after a few beers casual sex was just not what he wanted, no matter how alluring he did knew he longed for more.  He politely declined there advances and made his trips into town less frequent and kept to himself as much as possible.

 So he stayed busy and kept to himself, until the day he found Eve.  Dazed and hurt bent over his water spicket.  Perhaps it was her vulnerability in that first moment he had  laid eyes on her, or, her strength and determination he saw now, that attracted him.  Whatever it was it was clear she had brought feelings he thought he had buried alive again. He drew in a deep breath has recalled the kiss they had recently shared.  Yes, it was definite he felt things for  Eve. Something more than what he had felt for Julie even.  Julie no doubt was beautiful and had pleased all his senses.  But there had always been apart of Julie that longed for something more than what  the ranch and he could offer.  Her desire for a faster more exciting  life  pulled her in a direction that lead her to the arms of another man.  A man that possessed a life style Cody could never give her.

His mind was pulled back to the present as the sound of something crashing to the floor filled his ears.  He moved quickly down the hall towards the sound. A few rooms away across the hall he stopped and carefully moved towards the door.   "Jesus, its gotta be another one."he said softly to himself .  Just inside the door he watched another rabid being push obstacles out of his way as he moved.  He was a larger man moving about, in the same crazed condition he was now becoming  accustomed to seeing.  At the sight of Cody he moved swiftly toward him.  Gnashing teeth and drool splattering from  his gnarled face.

Cody raised his fist as the man lunged at him. The impact send the rabid being sputtering backwards.  He landed in heap on the floor.   All Cody  knew at the moment for sure was the sooner he could help end this madness  the sooner he could concentrate on Eve.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018




Cody and Eve made their way back down the hall towards the stair case.  She carried the vials close to her with every intent on keeping them safe.  She wanted this nightmare to end and  hoped the answers they needed were resting in her arms.

Suddenly Cody stopped dead in his tracks. He reached out and grabbed her arm silently and put his fingers to his lips to alert her from  making a sound. She stopped immediately  and turned her head towards the direction he then pointed.  They could hear rustling.  Some  movement was coming from one of the rooms to her left.  Cody held his gun out and slowly moved forward towards the entry.  "Whats in this room." Cody asked her softly.  "Its a supply room mostly. But there is a second door to it.  Through that room."  She pointed to the next door, which was slightly a jar.   "Which is another smaller lab, we use mainly as a kind of lounge now for the night staff."  Cody motioned for her to get behind him.  She did as he asked and clutched the vials even tighter to her bosom. Her heart pounded.   Not another one she thought to herself. Whatever this virus was seemed to spread like a wild fire. He moved slowly through the door way. Holding one of his arms slightly behind him as a guide to keep Eve back  where she would be safest.

His eyes followed the back of a slender figure,  staggering towards the other doorway.  Eve peered under Cody's arm to get a look. She recognized instantly it  was one of  her lab techs, disheveled and awkwardly  moving.  She remembered her name- Megan the new gal. "Its Megan." She whispered to Cody.  "She works for us. She is an intern, I just recruited her two weeks ago."   "She's been bit.  look how she is moving.  And from the looks of her, she most likely bit someone else too."  Cody said as they stepped in the room. Bits of red was spattered across the front of her blouse and ran up both her arms. The ends of her long blond hair also seemed to be mixed with blood.  He noticed too some red texture  clinging to  a few strands cascading around the side of her face..  Most likely human tissue from  her prey he thought to himself.  "She is infected.  We can't leave her wondering here, she puts us all at risk."  Eve grabbed Cody's arm.  "Wait, can't we- do-do  something for her.  Cody - we can't.  We cant just shoot her." Eve spoke with such sorrow he could feel her pain.  He  could also feel her trembling as she pulled on his arm while she spoke.    "Josiah, come in." Cody spoke into his radio, with a voice just above a whisper. "Got something for us?" Josiah's strong voice came back seconds later.  "Yes, Eve has the vials.  But we also got one of those um- walking rabids, moving around.  A female.  Looks like she has had herself some dinner, but I have not seen any remains laying around yet." He paused and  gave the room a quick glance around.  "She been up here wondering in one of the labs. She has not noticed us yet. So far this female is it -all we have seen."   "Shit.  Jesus." A muffled voice spoke back.  "We can't just let her be lose." Josiah thought for a second before saying anymore. He could feel the heat rise under his arms. No telling what else they could run into up there.  Zach was getting worse, he needed them to act fast. "Anyway you can lock her up? Restrain her  some how, then check out the floor some more?  Without getting bit that is."  I can look around and maybe  I can lure her back into the office and lock her in, Eve has a key." " Jesus, man.  I was afraid of this.  Afraid there would be more. You cant leave her lose  but, you need to get back here with those lab tubes, now. Get Eve to the stairs I will wait for her at the bottom. Then you go back and lock that thing up."  "Sounds like a plan." Cody said looking at Eve.

 Eve nodded.  She knew she had to get back to Doc and somehow try to fix things. She and Cody backed out slowly and moved swiftly towards the stairs. "Be careful Cody." Eve said and just as fast grazed her lips in a dry kiss across his cheek. She felt herself instantly grow warm.   She then  turned quickly and  took the steps hurriedly.  Josiah  was waiting for her just as he had said.

Thursday, March 1, 2018




Eve and Cody headed down the hall way.  They passed a few motionless bloody corpse. The stench was almost suffocating.  Eve desperately tried to keep her eyes focused on the exit door ahead of them, which lead to the back  stairs and up to the second floor.  The second floor was quiet.  Nothing seemed disturbed in the area.  "What is up on this floor?"  Cody asked Eve.  " Some labs.  Closed off  of course, with a secured entrance." She said pausing to look at him." My office,  a couple supply rooms and about 5 inpatient rooms in the west wing.  All Locked off from the rest of the second floor.  I have a key in my office for the labs." She lead him down another very still hallway.  The  quiet was almost deafening.  Cody checked the handle of every door as they passed.  Peering inside each one briefly to make sure they were alone.

The pair found Eves office unlocked. They entered the door with Cody pushing her behind him. Eve gave a gasp as she noticed a desk chair had been overturned and a few drawers had been pulled open with the contents spewed over her desk and around the room, as though someone else had already been there searching for something.   She pulled open the bottom right side  drawer and pulled out a small metal secrets  box with a single key inside.  "Got it." Eve said turning around and almost running to the the door.  Cody followed closely behind as she hurriedly led them towards the labs.

The lab was still locked and seemed to be intact.  Eve wasted no time once inside.  She went directly to the a small fridge pulling out a a tray of vials.  Carefully she examined the label of each small glass tube.  "Alpha PTC9", she read it over again softly.  Pausing as she remembered, Marie from the lab  telling her about their recent  findings a few days ago.  An Antidote of some  sort, That increased  white  blood cells when provoked by infected red cells until new red cells could be regenrated.  When Eve alerted Headquarters about the labs findings they were immediately instructed to refrigerate the serum label it Alpha PTC9 tell no one until there were further instructions.  Eve understood in the medical research field they had to be very careful to not leak out information before there was data to back it up. They especially did not want any information leaking out into the wrongs hands.  Especially a group of radical activist that could out everyone at the center in danger.   So it did not seem an unreasonable request.  But it troubled her greatly that a few of the volunteers had disappeared in the night a few weeks prior to the serum being discovered.  It also left her very uncomfortable that there were things happening in the lab (her lab)that she had not been breifed on.









Wednesday, January 3, 2018




Tony's driver pulled his car up in front of the compound.  He felt a heaviness in his chest as he quickly scanned the courtyard. "Shit. What-What in the hell." Tony mumbled to himself.  His eyes moving slowly around as he looked at the parked squad cars and then at a motionless figure laying on the ground  off to  his right. About a yard from there was another clothed mass  laying on the ground.  He was certain it too was of human form maybe even more than one.  Motionless, and it too slumped to the ground in an awkward entangled position.  This is insane he thought to himself.  He was seeing exactly what Nathan had described to him over the phone.  How could this even be possible.

His driver put the car in park and sat in silence, waiting for further instructions.  Tony tried calling Nathan on  his cell phone again.  Still no answer.  He cursed some more and slammed the phone down on the seat next to him.  "Shit.   I will just have to search for the idiot myself." he said with disgust  and a bit of fear rising in him.  Lewis his driver moved quickly and  opened  Tony's door.  Instantly as Tony  stepped out of the vehicle he was  hit with a breeze, carrying an  unfamiliar stench.  He turned full circle to look around the courtyard.  He felt the hot sun beating down on him and the build of perspiration breaking out from under designer suit. He removed his Armani  jacket, and loosened his tie.  Lewis stood next to him in silence, paralyzed with the beginning of his own fear.  Just  what  had he been dragged  into, he thought to himself.    As Tony raised his hand and wiped at his brow,  he could faintly hear voices  coming from the back side of the building. He laid his jacket on the seat, grabbed his phone from inside the car and began walking towards the building.  He motioned for Lewis to follow him.  With out a word his driver shut off the car and did as instructed.

George and Blake stood side by side looking down at the rabid beastly man, they now had  hand cuffed to the  car door.  He continued to claw and grab towards them.  Wildly he shook his head from  side to side. Growling as saliva sprayed from his distorted blood stained mouth.  He made no indication he understood anything they had said to him or that he even was aware he was now connected to the vehicle.

It was Blake who first noticed Tony approaching them.  He walked briskly towards the two officers.  Both men turned to look in Tony's direction.  "He must be part of this operation." George suggested.  Blake placed his hand on his holster just in case.  "He does not look crazed,  maybe he knows something. Maybe.  Maybe  he can tell us whats going on here."  "Who is in charge?" Tony asked in a very demanding tone.   "Hold on there. " Blake snapped.  "Who are you?' "I am Tony Everett.   CEO for the company that runs this research center."  "I left  Eve Porter in charge of running the center.""Where is she and her staff?  Which one of you is in charge and where is the rest of your force?' I see 3 squad cars parked in front."  Tony paused for a brief moment to glare at the disgusting drooling man bound to the car. " And What is going on with this man?" Before either officer  answered any of his questions  Blake stepped toward Tony, holding his hand up for him to stop.  "If you are the man in charge why don't you tell us what is going on here."  " We called for backup.  Dispatch said all cars are here." "When we pulled up we found this man attacking another man." George pointed around to the side of the car where Nathan  now lay bathed in his own blood and very still.   Tony gasped as he walked around the front of the car and looked at the body that laid soaked in a pool of blood.  Half his neck  and left shoulder were missing.  The man looked as if he had  been savagely ripped open by some beast. "Jesus." Tony cried in shock.  The color drained from his face as he looked closer and   discovered in horror it was Nathan.  His inside  man he had hired to help cover his tracks.










Thursday, October 26, 2017



Eve pulled herself back from Cody and looked up into his deep brown eyes. She felt her heart skip a beat, as he brushed a piece of loose hair that had fallen across her  face away.  He  looked back down at her.  Their eyes meeting and locking briefly.  The rush of energy she felt go  through her, almost took her breath away.  From the moment when she had first laid eyes on Cody she felt a strong current pulling her to him, as  if he were a magnet. The gentle way he had carried her in his arms to the ranch house and cared for her wounds when he  had found her collapsed at the water spicket,  had made her know she would be safe with him.

  His gorgeous  eyes gazed over her face, stopping at her lips momentarily.  He gently wiped away some dirt from the left side of her bottom lip.  She fought hard to keep him from seeing it quiver.   A slight excitement rose with in her  as he  parted his lips and breathed in deeply.   'Oh God" she whispered silently  in her mind.  His touch seemed to awaken things inside her.  Things she had not felt in awhile.  Feelings she had neatly packed away some time ago.   Safely locked up deep inside.  In hopes to allow her shattered heart time to heal.  Heal from another time in her life when she had been vulnerable to love. Love that had left her hurt both physically and mentally.   A chapter in her life she did not want to think about or reopen, not now anyways.  She had promised herself she would concentrate on her career and not let anyone steer her away again.  She had spent the last two years burying herself in her work. With a little counseling and a  career move she felt confident she was finally moving forward and leaving her  painful past behind. Men had become something she hardly noticed or cared about.  Eve had grown use to dinners alone in her apartment and spending  nights by herself doing paperwork or working in the center.

Now somehow even with all this tragedy around her Cody had turned on switch in her.
She desperately wanted to know him better and wondered if he could see just how much.   Why was this attraction she had for him so strong, she wondered silently and why now.   He is a man.  Just another guy,  a cowboy who found her pretty face and petite features attractive, she argued in her head. Yes a very handsome one at that but,  most likely, no different from all the other men she had met.  Her sexual attraction for him simply made no sense at a time like this.  Fear dangled all around them.  It was insane what she was feeling right now.  There was death and danger surrounding them yet, she longed for him and envisioned herself  to be  in his strong safe arms,  alone with him, away from all of this.  She wanted to feel her flesh on  his.   She felt every part of her deeply  drawn to him.

 She took a deep breath to calm herself before she spoke.  ''Zach is getting worse.  One of us needs to  go outside and see if something happened to the backup  we called for.  The sirens have all stopped.  Its been several minutes since we've heard anything."  Cody nodded as she spoke.  "I was just thinking the same thing. Cody answered back.  "You stay in here with Josiah and Doc. I will go out there and see what's going on."  Cody walked over to Josiah with one arm still around Eve, keeping her close to  his side.  "I'll go take a look out there. It does not make any sense why the back up is not in here yet."  Doc spoke softly.  "It does if there are more of these rabid men out there."  He looked at Josiah and waited for  a response.  "We wont know waiting in here. Cody take a gun from one of the down officers. You stay here on guard for more  of those things  in here.  And help Eve look for something that might  help Zach.  Doc keep working on Zach.  Eve, you said there was some kind of insulin that the  center was researching.  Can you tell us where it is in the compound?"  Josiah asked while he checked the bullets in his gun.   "Yes its in the lab on the second floor.  But If something happens to you Josiah we are just sitting ducks in here." Eve said. "We don 't have a choice. we need to move fast." Cody said quickly. "Cody  I will contact you  when I know something.   In the meantime you cover  Eve while she looks for the insulin."   Josiah said tossing a radio to Cody.  He walked over to the other slain officer and took his gun from his  holster.  "Doc ever shoot one of these?" Doc nodded.  "Use it if you have to. Shoot the sun of a bitch in the head if you see one. Don't let them get to close Doc.  Don't wait till its too late."  Doc took the gun from Josiah and set it down on the table beside him.  "Doc promise us you will use it."  Cody  asked.  "Doc did not like the idea of taking a life.  He was in the business of saving them, But  he shook is head yes and then looked down at Zach.  Josiah shared a look with  Cody.  They both knew if Zach somehow turned rabid before they could help him, Doc  would not be able to do it.  Damn they needed to act fast.