Follow by Email

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

over the fence and beyond challenges

I once not to long ago wrote a blog about the grass being greener on the other side of the fence.  Bravely  I admitted that sometimes it is just that way, especially in the eyes of  a  parent with a child diagnosed with a life threatening disease or in my case two children that are terminally ill.  I was and still am ready to argue to my wits end with anyone who challenges  me with an opposing view.  Sometimes we will run across a  lawn that really is truly greener and our own just doesn't seem to measure up.  I also openly said, I was fine with that because I don't even think  I  like grass, and most of the time I won't even look over the fence.   I find myself preferring to look out onto the lake that surrounds the east end of my property.

With the new colors of Autumn bursting forth,  we see the signs  of summer fading fast.  I scantly recall the memory of my grass from this past spring as it shyly, and  hesitantly peered out at me from beneath  the layers of melting snow.  The white cool powder, that once appeared as a glistening blanket,  covering  my land and all that surrounds me.  I have to report that throughout the summer as I helped my grass mend,  I did see it flourish,  adorned with a deep lush green for a period.  But I also recall  weeks of summer where scattered shades of a yellowish brown hue littered my lawn. Brown soggy wet masses of something that resembled the texture of grass.   With this realization I did look out over  the  side of my fence one day, only  to see a yard that resembled  mine.   In noting that memory, I reflected silently that they too- my neighbors,   had dealt with a few trials of their own.  I have no desire to make any  comparison as to the level of grief we each experienced.   I am sure our emotions were both driven to new heights.  We both felt anxiety and fear invade our worlds. But, with one very grossly large difference, as my neighbor worked towards a recovery I  coped with accepting more loss into my world.

This past December I was faced with more challenges than I ever imagined I would at one time,  when my eldest  "healthy son" (being that he does not  suffer from a fatal disease) Zach became critically ill.   It was with out a doubt  the most frightening, intense, 2 weeks of my life.  As doctors worked on helping  Zach recover from a life threatening illness,  my son Cody  also became seriously ill  and was admitted to the same hospital.  While I struggled to be at the sides of both my sons I still had the special needs of my youngest Josiah to tend to at home.  With the help of  family,  and the refusal to give up, I managed.

  That December has passed and both my sons have recovered.  While we still have our daily battle with  Duchenne we are all  continuing to thrive.  But I have to say for me it is with more urgency.  Those two weeks that I  watched both my sons fight for life  I also found myself fighting.  Fighting for strength to be whatever it was that my sons needed.  Fighting for strength to face my greatest fear-losing my sons to " death".  I literally left the world I had hoped would give me the comfort I needed and failed to.  I turned inward and buried myself in the world of my sons.  Using every once of courage I had,  I chose to move on and not settle for less than complete love.  I  closed my eyes to a world that denied  pain and offered little compassion. I found  a new faith with in myself with the    sheer determination to be more and to give my sons more.

We have to accept the fact that there will be times when we will see grass that will  be just a bit greener than ours.  Its just grass- but it is at those moments in our life when we have to reach deep  inside ourselves to find the strength and courage to not  give up. There truly is more out there.

As  I unpack our duffel bags from my latest adventure with my two younger sons, deer hunting in Iowa, I can't help but smile knowing  how much I  have helped my sons  push past the boundaries being physically challenged presents. I also take pride in  myself for how much I have grown.  We did not harvest a deer on this last trip.  But, we did gain something  much more valuable.   We have once again been  blessed with connecting with  people who truly want to be a part of this charismatic journey in life and that have openly pulled us into their circle of strength and love.  As my, now, beautiful green lawn surrenders to the approaching fall, I also surrender, to an inner peace with myself, knowing that I have become the strength my world demands of me.

Friday, September 5, 2014

music for the heart

I was  sitting quietly with  my pink net- book, attempting to do some writing.  I had a special topic  I needed to address and I was  finding  myself to be a bit on edge, struggling to find  the exact words to convey my thoughts.  Across the room my son Josiah sat from me, busy  at his computer playing "Mind Craft".  As if on cue I heard him start to sing a Beatles tune.  Ever so sweetly he sang "When I  find myself in times of trouble Mother Mary come to me....whisper  words of wisdom....let it be ..... and in my hour of darkness she comforts me....Let it be ....let it be....... there will be an answer."    I stopped and listened half mesmerized by the  lyrics he recited.  Then slowly he turned his head slightly towards  me for a moment, as he continued singing on his own against the music. " There will be an answer mom.  In our need, wisdom will come to us and the light will shine."

I looked at him in a  state of awe as he sang - where had this come from I wondered to myself.....If that was not enough for me to think about he played yet another tune for me right after.  I sat thinking about those words too and how they were touching me in  the moment.   He continued to sing along to  the  ballad as he effortlessly went back to his 'mind craft game".    "You are the closest to heaven that I will ever be....I don't want the world to see me cuz I don't think they understand....I just want you to know who I am."
I smiled the smile that those of  us who are  parents know so well.  A smile that needs no words,  from a shared moment with  a beloved  child we hold so closely in our hearts.  My eyes moistened briefly.    The power he filled me with almost overwhelmed me for a moment.       What amazed me so much was his choice of songs that  he had chosen to sing, while  I  was at a loss for written words.  I did not even know Josiah  had an interest in the Beatles or the Googoo Dolls.  I was even more surprised that he was even aware that I was having a moment of trouble, as I silently sat in  my corner of the room.  Yet somehow I was hearing words from him as he sang along with Youtube in between playing his "Mind craft game."  Words that helped me break away from the tension that had absorbed me.  Tension that had a strong grasp at my thoughts and left me feeling numb and unable to focus.

As if he just knew -he helped to pull me  away to a place where I  needed to be, a place that  reminded  me of the things I did feel inside.  I was reminded that yes,  all that I needed at that moment was with me right now.  Let it be,  it really is  that simple.