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Saturday, June 16, 2012

for keeps sake....

His beautiful brown eyes looked deeply into mine.  Quietly he waited for my response.  I understood the apprehension he was feeling at the moment. Quite frankly every other weekend I experience similar uneasiness as I send my sons off to their fathers for the weekend.  While I know my sons father loves them, there is most definitely concern in the quality of care he provides. Especially knowing their apprehensiveness to alert him if he has not met all their needs. In my heart I knew this night tonight was a step forward for us all.  A step I needed to make to ensure  we were all moving in the right direction.

Gently I gave  my little Josiah a squeeze as I kissed him on the forehead.  "This will be a fun guys night" I said, desperately hoping, I could help him move past his uncomfortableness before he embarked on his evening  out.  "I am not sure about this  mom.  You know how to lift me better than anyone."  His voice cracked with adolescence,  as he spoke.  My last born was slowly turning into a young man right before my eyes.     I smiled  as I looked at his  gentle face admiring his youth.  Stepping aside to allow him room to grow was not easy for me.  My own anxiety  of separation softly whispered to me.  I secretly did not want to let go of his dependence on me any more than he did.  But I knew we both had to move forward. For the past seven  years  I had been  the only consistent immediate role model for all three  of my sons.   Sharing our world with  anyone   that did not live up to my expectations just was  not  acceptable at any cost.   Now with these tender teen years in full bloom I wanted\ Josiah to enjoy more positive male bonding time.   Preferable with a man that held positive endearments toward me. Someone that respected my authority with out challenge. Most importantly some one who did not feel burdened and that would embrace the challenges of caring for a child with special needs. 

I knew he still was not totally convinced he and his brother would survive the  evening with out my presence, to supervise their care.  I on the other hand felt total comfort in the decision to have my sons enjoy an evening out, without me.  A guys night, that also still included a family member.  Their loving uncle Bill would also be  joining them for the evening.   I felt confident between these two wonderful men my boys would not only enjoy themselves but, be very safe and well cared for.  It was time Josiah  allowed another caring human in to his comfort zone with out my constant presence. I just needed to assure him.   I wanted  desperately to explore the opportunity for them to develop a new friendships.  To see them engage in outings out in the community, trusting that they could survive being in the care of someone other than me, or my sister and her husband.

Helping Josiah to advocate his needs more has been challenging for both of us.  At times even disheartening for me knowing that he can become so uncomfortable in new surroundings  he will not  ask for help when he needs it.

We talked some more about  doing things with out mom.  Me reminding him he goes  on  field trips at school with just his class and teacher.  That he and his brother  stay at home alone with our sitter who is not related.  Most importantly we talked about making new friends.   Smiling at me, he finally said he would be fine at the races without me.   But he would miss me very much.    He appeared to be  even more comfortable with the  idea, when I asked him to be the teacher and help Craig learn how to care for him and his brother Cody.  After packing my boys in the car and going over a verbal list of do and don'ts with my sons, some hugs and kisses, they  left for guys night out at the car race track. I was assured through a couple of texts and a phone call the evening was going very well. The smiles my men had when they arrived home assured me, yes everything went well, very well.

As a single parent I have now reached another milestone in the DMD world.  I have taken a  step forward in opening a door allowing  more opportunities for my sons to grow beyond my ties to them.  Most importantly I have found the courage to entrust my beautiful sons care into the hands of someone I care very deeply for.

Opening our lives to something new can often be scary and  exciting.  When I put my sons to bed that night I asked them teasing  if we should keep Craig.  Cody told me excitedly "Yes we should, because Craig is a good man".  He repeated several times to me, Craig is a good man, mom.    Josiah called me near him to whisper,  "we should keep him, but next time we should all go to the races together."  Laughing I asked him why?  " I thought you had fun with just the guys".  Giggling he said " I like seeing you and Craig together mom, its funny when you kiss.  We can keep him, but you have  the next date alone." " I like that plan." I said as I kissed them both good night.