I sat next to the ambulance driver in silence.  I felt numbed with fear.  My hands nervously fumbled with the items inside the small overnight bag I held on my lap.  The bag I had made ready-for the just in case- we would not be back home tonight.  My fingers grazed the soft fur of  Josiah's stuffed green Mind craft Creeper man.  His comfort possesion.    I smiled slightly  as an  image of Josiah snuggled in his own bed with his arms wrapped around the Creeper guy flashed in front of me. Oh how I wished that was where we would be right now.   I sat in my silence listening to the conversations behind me.  I could here the EMT's soft voices as they sat next to Josiah in the back.  For every bump we felt in the road they made small apologies to him for the discomfort.  Then, every so often, I'd hear  "you are doing great Josiah."  I imagined Josiah just looking at them with  his big brown eyes, smiling back.  He was in good hands now and his vital  numbers were looking good.   I knew I had to trust he would be okay.  But the fear of "knowing" almost strangled me. 

I had seen the numbers on his oximeter earlier. I heard the fear in the telle -nurse's voice as I read her the numbers displayed on the meter.  I had heard the concern from the 911 dispatcher as we waited for the ambulance. And I knew Duchenne was merciless.  It did not yield when it made its claim on its victim.  Most importantly I  saw the fear in  Josiah's eyes as he described to me what he was feeling while we waited for help.

I adjusted my self slightly  in my seat and replayed the events of the last few hours in my mind.  It just did not make sense to me that his heart rate readings went so high.  He was on a Beta blocker.  His last echo was actually normal.  His oxygen  level and his past history with pneumonia did give me concern that possibly there was something happening in the lungs.  I could feel the fear growing in me again.  It was almost one year to the date that Josiah had last been hospitalized for pneumonia complicated with uncontrolled seizures. It was a very scary two weeks in the hospital  where I watched Josiah crash  twice before he finally made a turn for the better and started to respond to treatment.  It was also during that stay when he was diagnosed with epilepsy. Another disease to add to the list that already complicated his fatal diagnosis. 

 I could feel  tears threatening me again.   I was tired and scared.  The reality was- to date  Duchenne  remained a killer. An untreatable fatal disease often  complicated by other underlying symptoms from other ailments or diseases.  Simply put their are no survivors.  So, I was scared, we had escaped death a year ago.  This is a fear every parent with a child living with Duchenne faces at some point in their journey. 
 
The ambulance pulled up to the emergency doors.  I watched as they unloaded my baby, my last born. his smile warmed my heart.   I  felt a sense of  relief that soon I  could have some  answers as to what was happening or happened with Josiah. I knew I had to be strong. Josiah needed me to be.

We did not spend the night in the hospital.  Three hours later Josiah was given a complete clear and released to go home.  Every blood test they did came back normal.    We wont ever know why or what made Josiah's numbers go so crazy.  Its possible that Josiah may have experienced a panic attack and that sort of sent signals off.  I however feel blessed and will gladly take that answer.   I am over joyed to say, Josiah has been seizure free and no signs of pneumonia for a year. His ekg and echo all read normal his lung x-rays look great.   I don't know the ' when and how" and I try not to think much about that.  We have " now"  and I will run with that. 

Cody ran in the directions of the deadly screams.  He heard the shot even before he reached the top of the stairs. Cursing he looked out at the horrific site before him.  "Jesus Christ, Mother of God", the words slipped softly off his lips. "How many more of these flesh -eating creatures are there?"  He stood for a few seconds frozen at the scene.  Watching as a large disheveled man fell in a slump next to another man dressed in uniform.  It looked to Cody as if the Officers bullet was a direct hit to the deranged man’s chest. He could see a pool of blood surrounding another man.  A man that laid very still on his side near the officer holding the gun.  He too also looked to be in uniform.

Blake kept his gun in place.  Ready, in case he should need to fire again.  His eyes followed down the now smoking narrow end of his pistol, and then to his attacker.   He felt almost certain the hit was enough to put the creature permanently down.   He let out a low sigh mixed with a hint of relief and pain as he tried to slide his broken legs away from him.   Still trying to get a grasp at what just happened he glanced at where George lay in blood soaked motionless heap. He cursed at the sight of his partner.

With in seconds of being shot the hideous rabid being began to move again.   Blake gasped in horror as he watched the animal like man raise his head once again in a crazed hunger for human flesh.  It was insane what he was seeing.   But the pain he felt from his injured legs assured him this night mare was  no dream.  This was real.   He pushed with his left arm in a desperate attempt to slide backwards, while ardently trying to keep his gun positioned on his target with his right hand.  The smacking of teeth carried an echo filled with death through the air.  Blake tried to use his legs to help move himself, but it was useless.  He groaned in pain with the attempt.  Fear crowded in on him as he felt death loom closer. 

Cody wasted no time and screamed loudly "shoot him in the head. You have to put a bullet in the bastards head."  Blake could see drool and blood escaping from its distorted mouth as the creature continued to crawl towards him.  Its amber pupil less eyes glaring as if it could see the depths of fear now surfacing from deep within Blake. Without looking to where the voice came from he squeezed the trigger and waited.  This time making a hit directly at the beast’s head.

 He could feel sharp pieces of bone and moist human tissue hitting his face, as blood and skull fragments exploded in front of him.  Blake blinked several times as he felt warm droplets spray near his eyes.  During his ten years on the force he had not ever once fired a shot to kill.  His right hand trembled as he lowered his pistol.  Both men watched as the now partially headless figure fell forward with a loud thud next to where Blake rested.  There was a stillness that immediately filled the hallway as they stared at the fallen man in silence, watching for movement.

It was Cody who spoke first.  " Don't try to move anymore. It looks like your left leg is pretty mangled.  I will have help here shortly." Cody tried to help Blake straighten a little so he could rest more comfortably while they waited.    Unable to move his eyes Blake just stared at the corps with a bloody stump where there once was a head.  All that remained was only a hint of a lower portion of a jaw and chin. 

  Josiah looked at Tony with disgust as he listened to Cody explain what had happened over his phone.  He wanted Tony to see that he held him responsible for every life lost here. 

The two men stared at each other frozen momentarily as they heard Cody's voice come over the radio that Josiah held in his left hand.  He sounded winded and scared.  "I have two more of these rabid beings thrashing around up here."  They heard some loud banging sounds and then Cody's voice again. "I am not sure how long I can keep them contained. They have broken down one door already."   There was some more scuffling sounds and a few groans and growls.  "I am sending some help.  Keep your self safe at all cost. Do what you need to do." Josiah glared at Tony as he responded.  Then  looked over Tony's shoulder to where the two uniformed officers stood.  "You both need to get up to the second floor now.  Be ready for anything.  These crazed humans seem to have only one thing on their mind, eating flesh."

Blake and George raced down the hall toward the stairs.  Trying to be cautious for movement as they moved past door ways.  George really did not understand any more than Blake.   One thing  was clear, whoever or whatever it was  held responsible for what they had seen so far, was still at large.

Blake was the first to reach the top of the stairs and did not see the  huge rabid man until he had  lunged forward towards him. It caught him off guard and in one quick motion he felt himself  slip falling backwards. His legs flailed wildly in the air as he lost his footing on the step.  There was nothing under him until he felt the stairs impact on  his back and legs. The room went black as  pain enveloped him.

George tried to stop his partners fall.  But as he reached out to help his friend the beastly man pounced  wildly at him. Together they tumbled  down the stairs. When they landed George was pinned beneath the huge ghastly figure. He did not even have a chance to pull out  his gun before he felt an awful pain tear  through his body.   He screamed out as he felt a large piece of flesh  being ripped from his shoulder.  He thrashed in a desperate attempt to free himself.  The  pain from his muscle and skin being ripped from his body  was almost paralyzing.  He let out a loud gasp while he tried to catch his  breath and fight to free himself. The hideous creature was to strong and he felt  teeth clamp down on him again.  The bite  took a large portion  out of his throat. Blood spewed out of him like a fountain.  George began to gurgle as his throat filled with the warm thick liquid.  he breathed one long last breath before the room and everything around him began to fade.

Blake tried to move his legs as he  opened his eyes.  He heard his companion's deadly screams and desperately tried push himself up.  He managed to get to a half sitting position.  Pain throbbed in his lower back and twisted legs. He let out a low groan as he  attempted to move his limbs.  Five feet away he saw  George laying  in a mangled bloody mess,  with a monster attacking him.  It was insane what he was seeing. The creature continued ripping flesh from  George with his teeth while George now laid motionless.  He pulled out his gun and felt the bullet fire.  It ripped into the grotesque man chest, knocking him part way off George. The monster man was covered in blood and tissue.  He watched in horror as he saw the creature struggle to push himself back up. Turning his head in the direction the bullet had been fired from he snarled.  His amber pupil less eyes stayed fixed on Blake when he saw him.  With  gnashing teeth and fragments of blood mixed with saliva spewing from his mouth he  let out low animal like roar towards  Blake while he pushed his himself up onto his knees in an effort to try and position himself to make a full attack on his next prey.   

From inside the lab room Cody heard the screams. He swung with all his force and sent  the rabid female he had been trying to contain flying hard across the room.   Her head bounced in several directions as her torso and shoulders made  impact on the wall and then to a  metal cabinet and then finally to the floor.   He watched as a pool of blood began to form   where her skull had split open.

Tony studied Josiah's  face for a moment before he spoke again. He had to somehow take charge of the situation. His head pounded and he felt sick to his stomach.  He looked down at his Brunello Cucinelli Italian loafers.  He cursed  as he noticed a slight stain of blood on the side of his left foot.  The whole scene was a gruesome nightmare.  This just could not be happening,  he thought to himself.    He needed to get this country hick to back off him.  He wanted the files he had sent Nathan in to get  and he was not about to let some Barney Fife get in his way.    Not only that he  had to make sure Eve was held responsible.  Most importantly, Tony had to make sure none of this  lead  back to Copeland's head office pointing a finger at him.   He had everything to lose and he was not  going to let that happen, not ever, no matter what it took.   "What happened here." He demanded again, in a tone that bellowed through the air.  Josiah stepped aside slightly to let Tony enter the room.  "You tell us what you and your  Copeland group created out here."  Tony surveyed the room in silence.  How the hell could things have gotten so out of hand. He wondered to himself.  He felt his  perspiration build and his pulse quicken. How could the sheriff and the other law enforcement idiots still not have the situation under control.   His eyes went directly to  where Eve was working.  He felt the heat of anger rise in him.  That bitch he thought to himself as he stared at her.  In one of the corners of the room she had set up what looked like to him make shift a table top lab.

 Eve studied  a blood sample she had drawn from Zach's arm  under a microscope, silently.  Then made a few notes in a ledger book.  She rubbed her temples and closed her eyes for a second.  She could feel fatigue fighting to take control.  She looked at  another small specimen tray of fluid.  Then turned a few pages in another spiral notebook.  She went through several more notes, suddenly it seemed she found  something.  Something perhaps that she had been  looking for.   Eve did not even bother to notice Tony had entered the room.  She looked over at Doc and  motioned for him to come look at the scope.

It was hard for Tony to hear as the two spoke softly to each other. Anything she might have found he needed to know about.  He started to move in closer to where the two conversed.  Josiah grabbed at his arm roughly.  "Why don't you just start telling us what the  hell your labs have really been doing for the past 6 months."  Tony  pulled his arm back and stiffly jerked away from Josiah's grip. "Take your hands off me.  I think Eve would be the person with all the answers.  She has been in charge here since we opened trials." Tony sneered at Josiah as he spoke.  He was insulted to be addressed in this manner and wanted to make sure the sheriff understood he refused to be addressed this way. Josiah stared into Tony's face waiting for the man to answer-almost daring him to make a move.  It almost  seemed the he had  no regard for the human life that had been  lost.

Josiah hated  cooperate guys like this.  He knew the kind.  They ride in on their high horses only after they send in the front guys first.  Tossing their power around wanting people to scramble at their beck and call.  Passing the blame to keep their own name clean at all cost.  He believed Eve when she said she had placed several calls in to the headquarters weeks ago, when she first suspected  something.

Eve turned rising to her feet as she heard the shuffle between Josiah and Tony. She felt disgust as she looked at her boss.  She was beginning to put it all together now.  The incomplete files, the early release of study participants.  The frequent change in staff shifts.  All the different  lab people Copeland had recruited that had passed through her office, it all was beginning to make sense now.

sleepless hours

The sun was not yet  peaking over the horizon as  I looked  out across the lake.   The water was calm and the world still seemed to be asleep, at least from where I stood.  Well every one but us-special needs moms (specifically DMD moms) I silently  thought this to myself. I envisioned so many of them that I have come to know over the years.  Awake and alone like me at this early hour.  Gazing out at the world pondering in the silence. Perhaps even sharing spiritual thoughts with a higher  power.

   It was the third time for the night that I had been summoned  up stairs by my terminally ill sons to turn them.  Which really was not a bad night in the Duchenne world, I reasoned with myself.  I had had my share of  many nights where I just eventually gave up sleeping after the 7th request for assistance.  That was also a time in my life when PCA help was only a dream.  A time when I could only imagine what undisturbed sleep was like also.  So the soft whisper calling for me over the monitor  alerted me  from my scant sleep.  Quickly I  moved up each step  and gently entered the bedroom Cody and Josiah shared.    Swiftly I shifted them on  to their sides and helped them snuggle back under the covers.  All while keeping the conversations my chatty Cody wanted to start,  on a very minimal side.  Finally with both their bi-pap masks  re-positioned back on to their faces, I quietly left them to fall back to sleep.

   It was one of my scheduled nights to do over-night care. Normally a night or two short on sleep would hardly phase me, but it was already becoming a long week. I was short on PCA help, over booked with Medical appointments for my sons and challenged with meeting the demands of a world I felt very disconnected to and honestly out of place in .

  I shivered as I walked across the cold wood floor, towards the windows that over looked the small  lake we lived on. How still the world seemed right now. I could see the slight  hint that dawn was now upon us. I scanned  the lifeless lake.  It appeared to be even to early for the ducks to be out.  Yet here I was roaming about half awake.   My body felt weary and a dull ache ran down my neck..  I felt physically  tired, but my mind was alive racing with  thoughts.  Thoughts  that made me even more aware of the differences I felt towards the world outside. I let my mind wander in the  quiet.  My purpose and  my existence exposing itself even more to me.

 I have fought hard to get us to where we are now.  Having accepted  long ago that this life as caretaker is my journey and it is solely up to me to make it all work for my sons and I.  This place that I have made into a home for us simply made me feel good, provided me a sense of significance that gave me purpose, and most importantly love- beyond anything I  have ever known.  But attach to all that is the harsh reality that one day my journey will be met with deep sorrow.  All that has made me become who I am and that I cherish  will leave me in the wake of loss.  Leaving me to question my own  self worth.  I have accepted  that Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy ultimately forces me to decide who I am and  who I will continue to be.  And  again I will be faced with new questions and choices.

 But right now I did not want to analyze my life and question why these things have come to be. Why disease and death are a part of this world. Why was it so intimately attached to my own.    All I wanted was sleep to desperately rescue me, from  all the words, that  echoed in my head. It did not seem to make any sense that as sleep deprived as I  was, that  I just could not sleep.  Why was it so hard for me to just let go,  to turn my brain  off.   Why was the  world unfolding in my mind at this very early and rather ungodly hour.  I wondered and then wondered some more.   I was worn.  Before this  day had even begun, I was already feeling exhausted and drained. And then as it often does the very thing I questioned  hit me.

I am simply worn out.  Exhausted from clinging to hope while fighting despair.  Spent from pushing past my fears. Tired from a journey that demands everything I have and more with no monetary gain.  Drained and weary from the challenges and obstacles that attempt to tear me down,   Heart broken from loss,  realizing the "all"  that will never come to be, and the losses I have yet to face.

But also feeling-

Almost overwhelmed with determination and  strength at times.  Driven to succeed with self sacrificing dedication.  Accepting that this is all for a greater reason than I can comprehend. Unflagging devotion to my life altering journey.  Most importantly knowing this is the ultimate love and choice for me.  That this challenge I have accepted - is my only ambition.   A choice that has made me who I am. A choice I am proud of.

Zach heard the voices drift in and out. He wanted to call out to them but as he parted his lips to speak a darkness swallowed him.  Slowly his mind  drifted.  Like a small boat lost at sea in the night.  Thoughts and images flashed past him in a blur. .  Slowly he drifted farther away as if there were large waves tossing the tiny vessel. Suddenly he began to see  familiar faces of family that had passed.  A fear swept through him as the images faded into a darkness that hovered around him.

Was he dying he wondered.  Was he already dead.  Was this the place you go to wait to cross over.  He remembered feeling pain and that to had now faded. He tried to open his eyes, but they felt heavy.  He felt to weak to fight anymore and let the darkness envelope him.

Doc placed a hand over Zach's forehead and then listened briefly to his heart and lungs.
 His body felt hot and damp from the perspiration of the fever.  He lay motionless except for the occasional jerkiness of contracting  muscle as they spasmed and then  stiffened.  Slowly he lifted and eye lid open, to examine the whites of  his eyes. He let the blood shot eye close. and wiped at his own brow.  The fever had spread and his heart rate was growing weaker.   Doc looked over at Josiah.  His face told him it was not good.  Most likely time was running out fast and Josiah did not need words to tell him that.  He stepped over to where Eve worked with the vials and a microscope.  Everything was depending on her now.

Images began dancing in front of Zach again.  Images of when he was a child, perhaps around ten.  He could not see his face but he knew it was himself.  He was laughing as he was running through a field.  He felt the warmth of the sun  and an occasionally tickle as blades of tall grass brushed against his bare legs.  He was certain it was summer but he could not make out where he was.  But he felt safe and happy.  Something was running close behind him. It ruffled through the knee high grass, keeping stride with him. The bark of a dog caused him to turn and he saw his child hood dog, 'Share".  She bounced along following in the wake of his path. He smiled and called her name.

Out of know where an image lunged at Share. She yelped as the dark figure grabbed her.  Zach stopped. The sun quickly faded and shadow of darkness surrounded him.  Frozen he watched as a hideous man beast shook his beloved pets  tiny body as his gnarling teeth clenched down on her throat.  Zach screamed as he trembled in shock.  The human monster turned toward him with blood splattered across its unsightly face with Share still clenched in his blood stained hands.  He tossed her  tiny lifeless body and took steps toward Zach.

It was the second day that I had to force myself to get up.  I stared at the ceiling blankly before I  made any movement.  My head pounded and I felt  a  burning sensation run down my neck into my shoulders as I  turned my head towards the clock.  It was getting late I had to start moving.  But as I turned my body to the side,  my legs felt heavy and also ached.  A queasy uneasiness passed over me. I had to get up.  It did not matter how I felt.  It did not matter that I had not slept  more than 3 hours for the last few nights.  I had to disengage from this pity party that seemed to make itself at home in my mind. There was more to my existence then my needs.  I had two lives in particular that relied on my constant care. Also there was no one else to fill in for me.  It was just that simple-  there was no one else.

I threw my legs over the side of the bed.   A surge of pain traveled up into my back.  My body felt weighted and lifeless.  I pushed my shoulders back, as I  stood up, straightening myself.   Why was I feeling this pain I wondered, to no one.  It was not like I had done anything different the last few days.  I stepped away from the bed and attempted to stretch through the aches.  A tingling feeling labored in each foot as I  stepped towards the door.  I wished more than anything I could crawl right back into bed.  Hide from the world hide from life. Just hide.  It was no use pretending what I was feeling was real -life, well my life anyway,  had just become to much.  I was drained.  Tired of smiling my way through the sorrow.  Tired of hoping for more.  Tired of waiting to exhale.

 The house felt chilly and I shivered slightly from the cool air.  I took a deep breath and tried to picture my happy place.  I was not even sure I actually had a happy place.   But  I remembered a conversation I had with a psychologist when Josiah was hospitalized  last May.  Sometimes we need to step away from our thoughts by mentally drawing ourselves somewhere else, I was told.  The first image that came to my mind  was -Me in my kayak floating on my lake.  For a second I  could almost feel the sun beating down on me. Then the water became choppy my overwhelming thoughts rushed back to me. 

My sons needed me and nothing else mattered because I was their means of thriving.   Every aspect of their  survival depended on me.  Even if they had an itch on their nose they needed me.  My only ambition was  to  take care of them, to be their arms their legs and at times their only friend.  I passed by the hallway mirror just outside my bedroom door. I glanced at the reflection of me.  I looked the same.  A bit worn, a little disheveled with a hint a grey threatening my roots.  At least I  did not look as bad as I  felt  I thought to myself.

With my head still pounding I dragged my body up the flight of stairs toward my sons room. I stopped and listened just outside the door.  I could hear the slight hum of Josiah's bi pap.  No,  they were not calling for me yet. Quickly I moved into the kitchen to prepare their morning meds.  My mind raced with thoughts as I maneuvered around the kitchen.  Another uneasiness rushed through me.  It came at me so hard I rested against the kitchen counter.  My gut ached and I felt a  sadness swallow me.  With in seconds I was overwhelmed with emotion.  Sorrow filling my core as though I was an empty vessel.  My eyes filled with tears.   I  blinked as pools  cascaded down my cheeks.  I was frozen amidst this flood of unwanted feelings.  Trembling from  this hostile take over.  Becoming lost in my own sea of despair as every fear and sad  memory lunged toward me .  I quit fighting  and felt myself  surrender under its siege.  I just wanted it to end.  I wanted to be numb again,  be free of the sorrow.  I had no time for this.

The message echoed through my mind over and over, I had no time for this.  This falling a part business. Yet I had no more control over what was happening than breathing.  Some days it just took more than I  felt I had to offer.  The moment was interrupted as I heard the soft call "MOM". Instantly I  wiped at my eyes. The emptiness slowly parted and a new feeling began to stir with in me.  Something that pushed me to rise above the sadness that tried to hold me captive.  A force that guided me to a purpose.  Yes, that was it - I had a purpose.  There was way more to my life than just making sure my stomach was full and I had clothes on my back. There was more to me than living for an occasional night out. I had purpose, I was needed.  My life mattered to someone.

I know there will be days when the isolation and disconnect will wrestle with me over my very existence. There will be times when hope fades and  I will have to pick myself up once again and continually I will need to be reminded I have an amazing  purpose.  I will hang on to knowing  that I am  the heart that keeps the journey going "I am a mother".