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Sunday, January 1, 2012

We walked together quietly for sometime, our fingers entwined slightly. The moon glistened on the newly fallen dusting of snow. I looked up at the stars that brightly lit up the night sky. The last year had been very tough on us, especially Josiah, it made me feel stronger to have him with me now. Some how he always helped me find peace in my broken shaken world. His hand gently squeezed mine. I stopped and looked at him momentarily, I wanted to know why. Why, was there so much pain in this world. He looked at me as a tear slowly rolled down his cheek. Pulling me closer he wrapped his arms around me. "I feel your sorrow" he sobbed softly into my ear. I hear the cries, I am with all of you always. I wanted to pull away. No, that was not what I wanted to hear right now. I wanted more from him. I needed to know that this was not all in vein. That some how he would end the suffering. He held me tight. I wanted to feel special, I wanted my prayers answered. Most importantly I wanted my sons to live. I wanted to end Duchenne. I let myself relax once again in his arms. "Trust in me" he whispered.

Some how he knew all my fears. Before him I stood broken, lost and alone. I surrendered and let myself sob in his arms. Today was no different than any other except that for these fleeting moments I did not have to be strong. I could bare my soul, unleash my fears. I had arms to hold me up. He raised my face our eyes meeting. Gently he wiped my tear stained cheeks. I felt myself enveloped in warmth. He comforted me in ways I could not explain, helped me to trust in myself. Yes, I knew why he came to me today. For that reason alone I knew I would not let him down. I could feel his heart beat as he held me. In a soft whisper he simply said "it is not time yet, soon, for now you need to be strong and have faith." He was so real so alive, with me right now. We walked some more then stopped. Our time together was up. It was time for me to go back and be all that I needed to be. I knew I had more challenges ahead of me to face. I understood also this pain that overwhelmed me at times would be with me throughout my journey. I would weep from heart ache but, I would also know unconditional love that few would ever know or understand. Love that God has intended for me to feel.

"Like you I have wept in pain and also felt joy" he said to me as he turned to leave." I am with you always, when you feel the most alone I am at your side." It felt good to hear those words again even though inside I wanted so much more. "Jesus" I called out to him as he began to walk away. "I will not give up even when it seems impossible." He smiled and then was gone. Inside of me his warmth, and touch lingered. I smiled at the two beautiful bright smiling faces that were waiting for me, for in them I could still see Jesus and all the love that was meant just for me.

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