I love Christmas time. Actually, I love all holidays where my family gathers together. I am drawn into the joy of wanting to celebrate the ritual -of thanking each other for the time we share together. Deepening the bonds that hold us tightly connected in our hearts. Sharing with my loved ones memories we have made together, praising God for all he has given us. Hoping to to share in spreading the peace and joy that was meant for us all.
So it is Christmas that offers me the most opportunity to rejoice. Yet it is this same magical season that finds me desperately needing and wanting. Yearning to rejoice in something, anything, I have gained, but tormented by remembering what I have lost. Delighted, I have family that shares, with love and admiration for my sons. Secretly still though, hiding my sorrow. So with much work I put to practice mastering the skill of feeling JOY IN SORROW. It is Christmas, and I rejoice that I am so blessed to have my sons with me. Happiness flooding me, because, also once again my sisters and their families join us in celebrating. Pleased beyond words, that I am able to be surrounded with love and share all this with my sons. But some what Saddened, that a Christmas lost, has even entered my mind. Alone in thought, facing realistic realization of what the future holds, in the darkest corners of my mind. Also feeling somewhat angry that this is a fact in my world and in my sons world. Feeling also that I must state-Absolutely not needing to hear some unsympathetic remark that there is hope, from a fragment of a human being.
So I watch as Cody struggles to lift his fork to his mouth while we feast and also fight to hide my tears as Josiah is in need of assistance to help him rip off the wrapping paper from his gifts. My eyes follow my niece and nephew as they move so freely about passing out the gifts. Rejoicing they are here with us, but remembering a Christmas not to long ago, when it was my own child under the tree pulling out a present to pass around. Wanting it to be my sons joining my nieces and nephews as they run to go out side and play on the icy lake. Feeling sad that when my beautiful niece Kayla asked if Josiah and Cody could join them I had to decline, because I was limited in my own physical capabilities. I simply could not safely maneuver them down the icy hill leading to the lake let alone help them through the snow. So I embrace the joy I feel as my sons accept playing with Legos.
I watch in awe of the glory that surrounds me. Love filling me as my nephew Blake kisses my sons, his cousins good night on the forehead then, makes time to cuddle by me. Holding captive the warm feeling I have as out of town friends take time to spend with us. Graciously, accepting whatever accommodations I can give them, just happy to be able spend the night. Embracing all the merriment brought to my home, by loving family and friends. Making new memories of another Christmas
Hoping that the joy I see in my sisters eyes, as they celebrate with their husbands, might some day be in mine. Shyly, watching as they toast Christmas cheer with a kiss. Wanting desperately, to know that kind of love they share together. Yes, it is Christmas, soon to be a New Year and I celebrate. For a split moment I wonder how I appear to them. Holding my sons in my arms, laughing, smiling, and hoping that I am hiding the fear, the sorrow, and the loss I feel. Wishing that the emotions pulling at me now would vanish, or somehow for just a mere second, leave me to feel anything other than sorrow and joy at the same time- for just once. We celebrate a joyous Holy Holiday. Me beaming when we attend Christmas eve mass where, My eldest son plays his violin. So proud, as I sit, alone, amongst my sisters and their Husbands in our pew. Wishing the church was remotely accessible, to accommodate Cody and Josiah. Thinking back to a time when I too had my spouse next to me, along with my two younger children, as Zach played for the service. This year feeling thrilled, when my overnight guests teenage son agreed to adorn my Santa suit and make a surprise appearance outside our back door, to give my boys more Christmas excitement.
Somehow just now I realize, not from venting, but by my writing, sharing from my heart, I begin to see- it doesn't matter to me anymore how or why these feelings are coming to me-Just that I am blessed to have them and share them. What ever JOY I can find, I will take it. Run with it. Though I may shed tears to find it-I embrace it just the same.
As only God can do, the timing (his timing) was perfect- I walked in on Cody today, scooting down the hallway in his desk chair heading to the family room from his bedroom across the house. He looked up at me and said "let me do it myself mom." I stepped back and watched him scoot across our rambler, tears of joy running down my face. ( yes joy with sorrow still) But so intended for me. Joy that I shared with Cody. I in my human state of mind of course wished I had someone else to share that instant of a moment with other than just Cody. But I am learning- this was something God intended for me, just me. Perhaps because I too in some obscure way am special.
It is the Christmas season and New year now approaches. My thoughts and prayers are with so many of my DMD friends that are also struggling at this time with something. I pray that you all will be surrounded by love and joy, And that you will always find strength especially when you need it most. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!