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Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Discovering

My heart sank as  I read and reread the words I held in my trembling  hand. I suspected something but the news I had just discovered was not even a possibility that entered my mind. I stood looking around the room. Feeling cold and so alone.The reality of the situation almost choked me. I could not even comprehend how things came to this. I had suspicions but nothing prepared me for what I had just learnt. Hurt, sorrow  and fear overwhelmed me.  I was drained.  Let down and at the precise moment feeling extremely lost in the seriousness of all of it.  But  most importantly I was alone in the knowledge I had just gained. Left with  the facts from information that horrified me as to what else might  be  connected in to what seemed to be an ongoing problem. My heart sank as I felt the still air close in on me. How much more strength would be demanded of me.

I am not sure how long I stood staring off into nothing lost in my thoughts.  I felt numbness fill me and then just nothing. A nothingness so powerful I felt myself wishing to feel anything even   pain. Something that I could understand. Something I could grasp and  accept. But what was this I wondered to myself. I simply felt nothing a void where I once had emotion. Without feeling I had  nothing. I had no where to go from here. I simply felt all that I once hoped in believed in silently slip from me. I was a tiny peice floating in a sea of nothing. Just floating like a dust particle aimlessly drifting.  And then as I went in deeper into my own abyss a sadness overwhelmed me. AS I grasped at one deciding factor that flashed before me I realized it wasn't me who was lost.  I was more than this nothingness that I let threaten my existence. Even if I did not understand anything else I understood what mattered for the reality that invaded my world would  not have found it's way to  me if I did not.  And perhaps for just that purpose alone in the sea of darkness It was up to me to see that  change some how would make a difference even if sorrow hinged on the hems of her dress. I can't tell where the journey will end but  I can see the here and now and that may be all I ever have.

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