I put on my green water waders pulling them over my knees, tightening the straps around my slender thighs. Stepping off the dock into the lake, instantly I could feel the coolness of the water through the rubber, as it encircled my boots. I scanned the shore line, following its path as far as I could see. The worn earth from the summers flooding made the banks appear almost jagged in spots. It was clear there was so much needed work ahead. Mechanically I began moving rocks back to the shores bank. This I knew I was good at, making things look good even if they are not. Storms had raged through the area over the summer, but we had managed to stay safe. I looked over at the brown grass that remained from the lakes cresting into my yard. Yes, indeed we were lucky and spared. But why now as I worked to clean natures mess did I feel emotions flooding me. Inside I felt overwhelmed. It was another Labor Day weekend, that time of year again that leaves me feeling helpless and emotionally alone. Damn, why did I let it control me so deeply? It seemed no matter how hard I tried to stop it, labor Day hit me like a hurricane. As if I have no control, I can feel it rip me in half. Leaving me broken and reminding me of what I have lost and what is to come.
I wanted desperately to feel anything but this explosion of pain that was grasping at me now. I worked harder at picking up rocks and moving them closer to the shore. Hoping that if nothing else exhaustion would rescue me. Stopping briefly I straightened my back, I was beginning to feel some strain. However, I was not having any relief from my Labor Day anxiety attack. I began to feel the sting of anger, this was my free weekend, my weekend off. My weekend to reward myself and rest from the daily lifting I do caring for my sons. What was this I was doing? I am not sure how long I stood there in my waders but, somewhere from deep inside me the answer touched me. Like a breeze blowing through me I felt myself absorbed in the reason why. As much as I have grown to hate DMD it is my world and with out it I have nothing. It is my reason why I fight so hard to see my sons succeed. Its the reason why I push my weary worn body to the limit. It has become my passion and in the most covert ways it controls me. It is also the reason I fight so diligently for something somewhere along this journey to be my escape. A place to let me step away from my fears for mere seconds.
Exhaustion was not going to rescue me I knew tonight. I would have to face my Labor Day woes and find someway to get through them. I will allow myself to feel whatever it is I need to feel, but this time I will look it straight on "with dignity and pride"-words from a FB friend with DMD. Only this year I will accept this is just another part of my world, knowing this too will pass.