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Saturday, October 5, 2013

the mom call

I jolted upright, almost throwing the covers to the floor.  Moving before panic and fear could begin  to flood me. Glancing only  for a mere second  towards the monitor and its bright green flashing light, as I scrambled to my feet.  I watched as three squares flashed again, which alerted me even more- that I had definitely heard something from upstairs.  With in seconds I was running down the hall in my bare feet with my hands out stretched slightly  in front of me, helping me to to fend through the darkness. It dawned on me at that moment I had not been summoned to roll either of my sons over or assist with a night bladder release yet, very unlike them.  That thought startled me even more. Worry fought to control me.   The night air caused me to shiver slightly as I swiftly moved, and it was only then that I noticed my long hair and tshirt felt quite damp.   Not allowing myself  any time to waste on any more thoughts, I  continued rushing toward the stair case that separated Cody and Josiah's bedroom from mine.  A soft glow of light from  the outside street lights peeked through the open blinds of our front bay window, illuminating the  stair case slightly, helping to light my way just enough to keep me from missing a step.  I looked up toward their  bedroom from the bottom step, the distance seemed so utterly far. Fear threatening me now, I took the steps two at a time.   As I reached the hallway just outside the room they shared, almost  instinctively I paused for a second  at the closed  door, listening for any  sound, but hearing  nothing in return.  My heart now pounding and fear closing in on me I quietly turned the knob.  Urgently wanting to rush in to my sons sides, but also deeply aware that my own panic could frighten them from a deep sleep if somehow this has all been a mistake, a panic on my own behalf.

I opened the door, slowly tip toeing, first toward my youngest, Josiah,  where he laid, quietly sleeping in his bed.  Curled on his side, his breathing steady and  slow, a peaceful rhythm.   I stood over him looking down as he slept.  What ever I heard, if it had been him, was in no way now affecting him.  Peacefully he laid there sleeping un-aware of my presence. I turned toward my middle child Cody.  Whose  bed was across from where Josiah lay.  Walking toward him it seemed  he also was completely absorbed in a peaceful somber. I stepped back looking at both of my beautiful sons, puzzled at what I had heard or not heard.  Clearly I had seen the blinking lights. I was convinced sound had came from this part of the house, this room.

I lifted my damp hair from the nape of my neck, as I stood in the dark,wanting to make sense of what I was doing in their room  now.  Listening to the quiet I waited, the house was still.  Pulling the v-neck of my tshirt away from my collar bone, I now became aware I was more than just damp.  No doubt a night sweat.  A chill caused me to shutter,  I decided I would need to change my shirt before returning to my own bed.  Then as if on cue a sweet  voice called out to me. Mom, mom I  need to go to the bathroom my stomach hurts, a second voice followed with I need to be turned  over please.

I smiled to myself,  apparently my motherly instincts and fear are present even when I am in a deep sleep.  I felt even a bit  happy that in my semiconscious state I was alerted "not being called in the night was cause for alarm'.  However I felt good. I  was where I needed to be, even though very tired, before I  knew I would be needed.  It did not matter to me how or why, I was wildly awaken during the night, just that I was so deeply connected to my children.  Cody only needed to use the bathroom,  and soon was comfortably resting again. As I left their room I walked through my sleeping house.  All the windows and doors are were all securely locked.  Even the dog laid curled up a sleep at Josiah's feet, on his bed.

I am sure I have many mom friends who can share in this.  The calls in the night and "for many of us it is many calls during the night" that sends us rushing to our child's side.  The sleepless nights when we are awaken  so many times, that we just give up on the notion of a peaceful sleep, entirely.   The panic and the fear that is aroused, because deep down inside, a fear lurks in our subconsciousness.   A fear,  that one day this call will be accompanied by illness or  not be heard by us in time.  The many sleepless nights of staying up with a sick child.  An almost  agonizing fear that  it will one day cease to happen at all.  I have no doubt I have been given an inner gift.  A sense that alerts me in my sleep to come to the aid of my sons.  It almost seems,   that all the years of caring for my sons has helped  my body and mind work as one to alert me.  That not hearing a call from my sons in the night is cause for "alarm".   Feeling beyond tired at times, but still so grateful, that it is possible, in rare instances to be  present even before they  need me.

I want to embrace in unity, all of us who can share in the sleepless nights, because of a child in need.  My heart goes out to us all for  the "mom calls" and in some cases the" dad calls" in the night and during the day.  I pray that we all will have  the courage and the strength  when  the call that does not happen sends us running.     

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