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Sunday, October 20, 2013

only in my dream

After what seemed like hours of tossing and turning, I simply gave up.  De tangling myself from the comfort and  warmth of my covers, I stretched my tired legs and got out of bed. The shock of the cool hard wood floor beneath  my naked feet sent shivers up my calves,  leaving me scrambling in the dark for my slippers.  Sleep was just not going to happen for me right now,  no matter how hard I tried to free myself.  At the moment I was helplessly trapped in a flood of visions.  Visions that  danced around in my head, twirling and bouncing with robust energy.   My mind raced with thoughts and ideas.  Things that  I had not yet done, and hoped to do.  Events that I had not yet had the chance to partake in with my sons.  People and places I wanted to visit. Projects around the house I had not finished or even started.   Most importantly for the current moment though, I was in  need of some comfort.   I was loosing in my battle of self control and  found myself falling victim to concern and worry.  Yearning to understand why I was now in the middle of the night so absorbed in the  reality of things.  Desperately wanting to change the obstacles  that I felt threatened my relationship with  happiness. Hoping  to find a  solution for everything I knew that was not quite right, in my life.

  As if I was a piece of metal being pulled by a magnetic force, I could no longer fight my craving for a little self  gratification from the realizations  that haunted me.   Truthfully  I was having a personal crisis and now it was  insisting that I get out of bed in the middle of the night to secretly indulge in a form of self consoling ritual.  What I wanted and needed right now was to curl up on my recliner sofa in the in the wee hours of the night, while the world slept.  Wrapped snuggly  in a knitted throw  in front of my fire place, enjoying  a bowl of my favorite ice cream, and become lost in a  romantic novel.  A selfish past time that I found myself becoming more and more  attached to lately.

It was not to long after surrendering to my desire, that I soon found myself with heavy eyelids, slowly falling into  a dreamy state, that was finally freeing my busy mind of the real world, at least  momentarily. Abruptly  I was awaken by a mix of dreams.  Still holding my book in one hand, I glanced around the room. I was alone.  Nothing seemed unchanged.  Everything was just as I had l remembered,  before shutting my eyes.   I shifted my weight to let the chair rise forward.  Lifting my head, I noticed my hair felt dampened and my  throat dry.   I looked toward the clock just off to the side of my fireplace, where  flames wildly danced, it was now 4am.  I had been a sleep for only an hour. Sitting there alone, ever so slowly pieces of my dream began to flash in front of me. 

I wanted desperately to go back.  Back into the visions that had  held me captive for the past hour.  To afraid to move, I sat embracing the sheer longing of what truly haunted me.  I had just seen my Cody walk in my dream.  He looked  at me smiling.  As he took a step toward me, he out stretched his hand.  Reaching for me as  he raised a foot, in a very  carefully calculated step.  Around him illuminated  a light.  Soft and glowing as though golden angels were surrounding him.   I froze in elated joy as he came towards me step after step.  Unable to move holding my breath, wanting the moment to never end.  As I raised my hand to grasp his,   I saw I held a small scissor. It resembled one that I kept in my kitchen.  Looking down closer I noticed my thumb had become stuck in the small finger opening.  In anguish I tried  to pry it from my thumb. Frantically attempting to shake it from my hand so I could fully extend my arms to Cody. We were alone and I felt a rush of desperation, wishing I had help.  As the scissor fell,  so did Cody.  Slowly he fell into my arms, never taking his eyes off mine as he silently  slid downward. 

It has been quite a while since I had a dream where Cody and Josiah walked.  But the memories of a time not all to long ago, when this was possible, is still magically kept close in my thoughts. There are many possibilities that  may have provoked my recent dream of Cody. Without to much analyzing I can sum it up that there is a very deep part of me that struggles constantly with accepting the future, mine and his, together.  I can only say that I feel blessed to see him walk even if it is ONLY in my dreams, and even if it is because,  I am struggling with some very hard harsh realities.  Duchenne and its unrelenting progression. 

 It took me a while to fall back to sleep again.  Clutching my romance novel once more until my eyes felt heavy, I surrendered, happily to my dreams.  Hoping that some how  very soon I would see my sons walk again even if it was only in my dreams.

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