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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

what is sleep

It was my fourth time climbing the stairs in the night.  The fourth time I had to pull myself out of bed in the cold wee hours of the night,  to answer  the calls of the small voices that called out to me from the dark.  While the world slept  I wandered through my house again and again, to the aid of my two youngest sons.  I was tired, cold and beginning to feel the weariness of my life pulling at me.  Almost mechanically I worked through the dark hallway toward Josiah and Cody's room.  Not even sure which son had now called me I went first to Josiah.  After turning and repositioning him to his other side comfortably,  I checked on  Cody. Whom, I had happily discovered was still soundly asleep.  Carefully I closed the door to the room they shared, and began to head back to my room, down stairs.  It was almost 5am.   It seemed if I did the math right, I had been woken up just about every 1.7 hours to assist my sons.  In another 1.5 hours I would be getting up once again, to begin to prepare us for another day.  Another day, in the world of fighting Duchenne.

I crawled back in bed pulling the covers up over my head, in the great hopes  to keep the thoughts that now were threatening to keep me awake, away.  Events and moments, all neatly tangled together, exposing compromise, fear, perseverance, and hope.  Thoughts that  charged at me, like the flames of a blazing fire.  Challenging me to feel beyond the surface of my own emotions.  Demanding me to strive for more than I have ever dared to dream.  Ever so slowly I felt myself falling.  Drifting off to a place of slumber but, very aware of all the conditions with  in my world.  One thought echoed as I  slowly surrendered.  I was Loosing in a battle that I was never intended to win.

Memories of events earlier in the week flashed before me, as I felt myself become even more drawn into a state of semi-consciousness.  Haunting  moments tinged with sorrow flashed through my mind. Laughing moments of pure joy danced along the walls of my semi-sleeping brain.   Bringing with it emotions that I fervently had hoped would not trouble me now, with so little time left for sleep.  I laid there with out moving.   Consumed with my feelings, that  this very moment as still as it was, served no purpose other than to remind me of the facts I already knew.

I was almost startled as the sounds of a melody filled my head.  It seemed I had only just closed my eyes and my day was now ready to bloom with full force.  I smiled to myself, as I rose to greet the morning and shut off my alarm clock.  I was Blessed with another day to love  my cherished sons.  The trouble of my sleepless night swiftly faded.  How could I let the loss of sleep even compare to the magnitude of what deep unconditional love brought to my very existence on a daily basis.  For deep inside my hidden wounds I knew all too well that one day far far to soon, the sorrow of silence will fill my halls.  It will then be sleep  I  cling too,  in the  hopes of finding comfort,  through my endless nights and days of longing to hear my sons call out to me.

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