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Sunday, January 18, 2015

the argument

mending of hearts

I poured the remains of the bottle in to my stemmed glass.  Quietly I listened as the remaining ice crackled from the sweet cool liquid swirling in my goblet. I kep my eyes down to avoid looking at him,  swallowing hard as  the  pink drink slowly slid down my throat.  Hoping  to feel the effects of my  wine, soon.  Wanting desperately to feel  release from the tension that had been  tormenting me, I took another sip and waited in silence.  Some how I  had to move past the the present.

If things had only somehow gone  different, I tried to reason to myself.  But what was done was done.  I could neither ignore nor excuse our apparent disrespect for each other.   My mind played over and over the conversation, as though the rewind button was stuck on constant replay in my head.   Easily this  moment between us could have been spared the ritual of rising auditory volume and the choice of language could have been  softened to  down play the extremity of our tempers.  I felt the annoyance of the evening grasping at me.  He had hit nerves that triggered a fiery level with in me.  He had came close to sending waves of explosive energy thrashing out of me.  Now I was left with the remains of bottled up emotions from a disastrous attempt to work things out.

My lips parted to accept another sip of the  fruity wine.  Oh yes, I was  beginning to feel the slight surrender to a state of relaxation.  Exhaling,  I felt a shift in weight from my shoulders. Ever so lightly I felt the deep anger that fought to control me earlier begin to disappear.

I sensed the Silence was almost choking him as he sat across from me. I felt his gaze fixed on me while nursed my wine.   I was though rather impressed he had the  courage to with stand my attempts to break him down.   I was also pleased he showed signs of remorse for his own verbal explosion. Most importantly though I saw he was not afraid to fight for what he wanted even if it meant exposing his heart even if it meant making himself vulnerable.

Very tenderly he reached over towards me. His hand rested on mine as though waiting for a sign that I would accept this attempt to make  peace. Our eyes locked as I looked up from our hands to his face.  He seemed so sincere and desperate to end the hurt we had hurled between us. His deep brown eyes captivated me as I searched his handsome face for something more.  He looked so wounded.  It was senseless to let obstacles invade us and yet our worlds were bound to clash at times for reasons beyond our control.  I wanted  more than anything to move past the heightened moment.  I wanted to let go of my pride,  collapse in his arms, the arms that I had once found to give me comfort.  Leave everything I had learnt from my past behind.  Trust in myself again.  Most importantly trust in love again. But, I was determined to keep a small wall up.  A half wall, that would protect me from vulnerability.

I stepped towards him in hopes that we could simply escape words for now and just enjoy the presence of each other.   His embrace felt warm and solid. I felt him breath in deeply as he tightened his strong arms around me.  Why  did I still feel the need to resist his affection, I wondered in silence.  We embraced for quite sometime neither of us wanting to let go.  Escaping  the need to use words for the moment. Laying my head against his chest I listened to the slow steady beat of his heart. softly he whispered the words I had longed to hear "I am sorry".

  We had somehow moved past our anger and hurtful words.  Even with my wall still  partially en tacked, I was finding room to accept what he was offering  me now.  He had managed to use patience to help us shift our emotions.  His lips lightly grazed the top of my head.  We had somehow now entered a new level with in our relationship. 

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