the scrape - chapter one, continuation

     

  Eve knew seeking medical attention would mean questions. Questions would demand answers.  Answers, she just did not feel comfortable with giving just yet.  She needed more time.  More time to get her story right. 

She bit down on her lip as her handsome cowboy dabbed again at the open wound on her head.  The pain was stabbing and made her head ache even more. She looked into Cody's deep brown eyes again, they seemed so concerned. "Eve" he said  as leaned over her again to turn her head slightly so he could look at the wound from a different angle. "Honey I am afraid there is not much more I can do to help you at this point.  You are still bleeding.  You need to see a doctor.  I can take you right now to Bluegrass there is Doc there." He said patiently. "Its just 30 minutes out, from here."

Eve felt a slight  panic rise inside her.  Why did things always have to get complicated she wondered silently. "Can I see- a mirror".  She asked hesitantly. Cody stood up and said he would be right back.  She watched as he moved to the other room.  She had to think fast.  He was so distracting, it was driving her crazy.  It seemed ridiculous, she reasoned to her self, that she should be so intoxicated by his looks. Yes, he was handsome, but so were at least a half a dozen  other men she could name from her past. She was use to being surrounded by charming good looking men.  Well, that was all  in the past, in another life, she quickly thought to her self.    A life she know longer could speak of.  A life she hurriedly was forced to leave behind.

Cody came back holding a silver slightly tarnished antique hand mirror.  He gently placed it in her hand, and stood back to watch her expression. She turned the mirror over in her hand, studying the floral embossed pattern.  Then looked up to where Cody was standing.  He sensed her question and quickly told her it had belonged to his mother.  Her eyes widened as she looked down at her reflection.  Her beautiful long blond hair was matted and tangled.  Mud with specks of  blood framed the tresses that cascaded around  the sides of her once pretty delicate features.  Her nose was smeared with dust and dried blood.  Her left cheek was scraped and bruised.  Her red and puffy eyes searched upward and stopped just above her left brow.  Silently she studied the gaping wound on her forehead.

Eve knew Cody was right.  She needed stitches at the very least, it was obvious.

Cody lifted her as if she were a child gently placing her in his  big black pickup with enormous tires. There were so many questions he wanted to ask her but for now all he was concerned about was getting her medical help.  He wanted to assure her whatever she was running from could not hurt her now, as long as he held her in his arms.  Somehow he felt drawn to her and the mysteriousness of her appearance.   Her small figure fit perfectly in  his arms, and even though she was covered in mud and streaked with blood he could see an almost haunting beauty about her.  Eve let out a large sigh as he settled in next to her in the drivers seat, she could feel the dizziness  overwhelming her once again.  They drove in silence for several minutes before Cody asked her how she was feeling.  "I still feel a bit dazed" she admitted to him.  "Lean back and rest". Cody told her "we will be there shortly".  Eve let her eyes close only to happy to escape conversation and any questions he might have for her.   She wanted to tell him as little as possible.

It seemed she had just closed her eyes when she felt a gentle hand on her shoulders.  "Eve we are here" he whispered to her. Eve opened her tired eyes.  Only to see Cody's dazzling gaze in front of her. Swiftly he lifted her from his truck and carried her toward the clinics doors.

Cody sat eve into a chair in the waiting room and walked towards the front desk. The slightly elderly woman immediately looked up to where Cody stood with a warm smile. Eve sensed Cody must have known her from the way they addressed each other. 

Think Eve she thought  to herself. I need to explain -what should I tell the doctor. she wanted badly to tell him the truth but knew that would only make things more complicated. Cody sat down next to Eve. It shouldn't be long he told her. The doctor is going to need to know what happened he said gently. Eve looked down at the floor. Cody had been so helpful she owed him an explanation At the very least.

Mary studied the couple from her desk. She had known Cody a very long time. It didn't surprise her to see Cody with an attractive woman, but it did surprise her for him to be with a woman who was hurt. She could tell from the way Cody acted he did not seem to know her very well. she hoped for Cody sake it wasn't any trouble. It wasn't like Cody to attract trouble but clearly something was going on.. Cody was a looker and considered one of the few eligible  bachelors in  the area. Mary knew there were at least  a half dozen single females that came from good families that would die for a chance to attract Cody's heart. 

She knew Codys family from way back. She could not help but feel concern  for him now.  He had taken it very hard the break up he had 2 years ago with a beautiful young co-Ed from  California.  Since then she really had not seen or heard  much from him. He had mainly kept to himself. What was her  name Mary thought to herself.  Judy no Julie,  yes it was Julie. Tall blonde dazzling smile. Cody was hardly seen with out her. The town folks saw them as the perfect couple that was until  the night she took off with one of them Malone    brothers . Now there was trouble. The Malone  boys had no regard for the law and even less in respect towards folks. She had seen them come in for stitches more times than she cared to count. Bar brawls seemed to be a past time for them. And  that's when  the lights turned on. Maybe this new beauty had been rescued from the clutches of one of the Malone boys.  Yes she could clearly see trouble like this from that youngest one. Mean  as a rattle snake, but a charmer with the girls. Why she even had to admit to herself he was eye candy, that one and smooth . If she had a daughter she would have put up barbed wire to keep that one away. 

Doc Keller called for Eve to come in now. Mary's thoughts came quickly back to her work . She would know soon enough what was going on.  

Doc Keller was a kind man. He was short and  a bit stubby. Deep burrow lines across his forehead, no doubt from showing concern towards his patients . He held out his  and motioned  for her to sit on his exam table. Then gestured for Cody to wait outside. Eve relaxed a bit patient confidentiality would by her time.  Doc Keller first words were what happened. Eve felt the room spin and then go black.    

 Eve slowly opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling. Slowly her mind  cleared. She turned to see Doc Keller  smiling down  at  her. "How are you feeling?" He asked with concern  as he shined a flashlight at her right eye. Eve stared straight ahead. "You do have quite the bump on your head." He said looking into her left eye. "Is there anything you want to talk about." "Anything that might help me understand how to help you." 

Eve felt a panic start to rise in the deep pits of her stomachs. She knew she had to get help but she was just not sure  who to trust and just where to start. A tear rolled down her cheek as she  turned towards Doc Keller. The words flew out of her before she had time to draw them back. "I had an accident." She said slowly. Doc Keller waited patiently. Eve paused searching his face. He reminded  her of her own grandfather. A kind and generous, short man. She missed him  dearly  right now. She found herself wishing she was that little girl again who use to sit on his lap listening as he talked about the days of growing up on his dairy farm.  Eve refocused.  "What's the last thing you remember about the accident. Let's start there." He said gently.  She  relaxed  some. Okay that sounded easy enough. Okay she thought for a moment. She remembered walking towards the farm. Feeling pain, overwhelmed with fear. A face flashed  through her mind. A mans face. Rugged.Shadowed  with a few days growth of facial hair. Yes she remembered pushing him away. He was trying to make her go with him. But why her thought raced together.  Why was he forcing her. "There was a man." She began. "He was dragging me towards a building." She paused shaking her head. A gun. Yes she remembered  seeing a gun. "The story began to unfolded. She told him she just could not say anything more she just could not remember. But asked him to call the Maron County 

Police station. "Ask for Sheriff  Barry." She told him. Tell him you are calling for Eve Porter. " Doc Keller did as she asked . He handed her the phone as the voice on the other end instructed him.  Doc Keller stepped back to give her some privacy as she softly spoke into the phone.  The conversation was short  and Eve answered with a few Yeses then  handed the phone back to the Doctor.  

Sheriff Barry spoke calmly into the phone. "Keep her there till I get there." He said. "Don't let anyone else see her. Eve noticed the concern lines on the Doctors face deepened as he listened. Oh she so desperately wanted her old life back. She wished for the comfort of her own apartment. Her friends. Most of all her family. 

the scrape

 The water trickled slowly.  Eve held her scratched and bleeding hands under the worn rusty sprocket.  Wincing at the pain the cool water brought.  She looked down at her knees that were now caked with mud and blood.  She was hurt,  but it  appeared to be only flesh wounds.  Wounds that would need to be cleaned and bandaged but that would hopefully not require any more medical attention.   She splashed the cool water first on one knee and then on the next.  Watching as the water, blood and mud trailed down each leg.   The sting increasing with each handful of water she brought to her  scraped knees.  Tears blurred her vision as she looked around the farm. Not to far off in the distance she noticed an old ranch house. Eve knew she needed help and she would have to somehow get herself to the house.

Slowly she rose to a standing position. Instantly a dizziness filled her aching head causing her to teeter backwards. Just as she began to feel herself slowly slip  to the ground she felt two very strong hands grab her shoulders to catch her. Then just as swiftly two strong arms lift her off the ground. She let herself surrender as she heard a deep soft voice in  a slight western drawl  say  "I have you  honey you will be fine". She laid her head against his welcomed chest,  listening to  his steady heart beat, as she watched the ranch house get  closer.  Very gently he carried her through the wooden screen door. She glanced around the rustic inside. It was neat with simple  wood furnishings, a definite mans home. He laid her carefully down on a wood framed over  sized couch. she looked up into his face as he leaned over her to adjust pillows under her hurting  head, which she now realized was also bleeding. His eyes stopped as they met hers. He smiled   as they locked gazes  momentarily, and asked if she was comfortable. His handsome face almost taking her breath away.   She just nodded yes while she felt her eyes fill again with tears and fatigue rip through her. As he rose  he told her softly to rest and that he would be right back with some soap, water and bandages.

The bright afternoon sun poured in through the large windows that were in front of her.  Eve tried to raise her head to take another look around but a sharp dull pain prevented her efforts. She collapsed back to the softness of the pillows and with in minutes her handsome hero was walking back to were she laid, carrying a tray of first-aide supplies.

He knelt down next to where she laid. She watched as he dipped a white finger towel into a bowl of sudsy water.  He carefully dabbed at her forehead,  his expression full of concern and kindness. "I am Cody". He told her as he dabbed at her head. Softly he apologized for the pain that his efforts caused.  Her eyes followed him silently as she watched him ring blood mixed with water from the cloth. 'Whats your name?" He asked while he worked at cleaning her wounds.  A hoarse whisper hardly sounding like herself at all, escaped from her parched lips.  "Eve." She answered.  "I am sorry" He offered again. "You are thirsty. Let me get you some cool water". She watched him head again  towards the same doorway and return shortly with a few water bottles. Without hesitation he opened a bottle and held it up to her dry chapped lips  while gently placing his other hand under her neck to help raise her head slightly.  Her eyes stayed fast on him with each movement.

The water glided down her throat with out much effort.  She had half the bottle finished before he spoke again. "I think we should get you some medical attention." He suggested as he  looked back at the wound on her head and then at her knees.  Watching her face closely he waited for a response.  "How bad is it?" She asked gesturing to her head and wondering when he was going to ask what happened.  "Well I am no doctor but, I am afraid it is going to need some stitching" he said.  Her face showed the sorrow his words gave her.  Almost immediately he responded with "honey don't worry, it is  a small slice, but it looks deep.  You will still be beautiful even with a slight alteration".    In spite of her pain she felt a slight smile cross her face.  This handsome stranger was flirting with her.

Discovering

My heart sank as  I read and reread the words I held in my trembling  hand. I suspected something but the news I had just discovered was not even a possibility that entered my mind. I stood looking around the room. Feeling cold and so alone.The reality of the situation almost choked me. I could not even comprehend how things came to this. I had suspicions but nothing prepared me for what I had just learnt. Hurt, sorrow  and fear overwhelmed me.  I was drained.  Let down and at the precise moment feeling extremely lost in the seriousness of all of it.  But  most importantly I was alone in the knowledge I had just gained. Left with  the facts from information that horrified me as to what else might  be  connected in to what seemed to be an ongoing problem. My heart sank as I felt the still air close in on me. How much more strength would be demanded of me.

I am not sure how long I stood staring off into nothing lost in my thoughts.  I felt numbness fill me and then just nothing. A nothingness so powerful I felt myself wishing to feel anything even   pain. Something that I could understand. Something I could grasp and  accept. But what was this I wondered to myself. I simply felt nothing a void where I once had emotion. Without feeling I had  nothing. I had no where to go from here. I simply felt all that I once hoped in believed in silently slip from me. I was a tiny peice floating in a sea of nothing. Just floating like a dust particle aimlessly drifting.  And then as I went in deeper into my own abyss a sadness overwhelmed me. AS I grasped at one deciding factor that flashed before me I realized it wasn't me who was lost.  I was more than this nothingness that I let threaten my existence. Even if I did not understand anything else I understood what mattered for the reality that invaded my world would  not have found it's way to  me if I did not.  And perhaps for just that purpose alone in the sea of darkness It was up to me to see that  change some how would make a difference even if sorrow hinged on the hems of her dress. I can't tell where the journey will end but  I can see the here and now and that may be all I ever have.

the afterwards

I stood unable to move, frozen in place.  My eyes traveled slowly following  the long tubes that were now connected to my youngest son.  Under neath the white starch sheets, tubes and bandages wound around his body.  Still   very heavily sedated he laid motionless, with his eyes  tightly shut.  I looked at the monitors that displayed his heart rate and the machine that monitored his breathing and then back to my sleeping son.  My heart ached for him as I felt tears forming in my eyes.  I wanted to scoop him in my arms, hold him, run with him away from this place.

Silent tears rolled down the sides of my face.  I moved closer to his bed, needing  desperately to touch him.  His face was swollen with tubes taped to the sides of his cheeks and running down his throat.  They had warned me he would look different and that it would be difficult to see him this way.  I felt the choke of tears building deep in my throat as I struggled with a flood of emotions. Slowly his eyes opened slightly as I gently caressed his hand. My heart broke as I  watched tears roll down his face, then felt his hand go limp and his eyes closed again.

 Surgery had went well for the most part I was told.  There had been some unexpected extra bleeding that caused concern, and surgery had taken a bit  longer  but, he was now appearing to slowly be progressing  to a stable condition.  The next several hours would tell us more as the medical night crew watched him closely.   I sat half  curled up next to my sister Marie who refused to leave my side, on a small couch at the foot of his bed that long first night and then eight more nights to follow alone with my Josiah.

Now four years later we continue to rejoice in celebration of Josiah and his recovery from spinal fusion surgery. Today though we celebrate so much more.  For although his disease has continued to progress in other areas taking more strength, he is  thriving. He is here with us living his life.

I am especially consumed with admiration for him as I  begin to pack us  for turkey hunting in  Iowa.  Happy to have  both my sons with Duchenne   participate in a sport that has given them even more opportunity to challenge their own limits and sore with strength and courage, as they defy the odds of  severely limited abilities with the help of a very supportive team that has gone beyond kindness. While I fold Josiah's camouflage clothing that he has been generously  outfitted with from this very giving organization, I  can not help but reflect on how far he has came and how far as a family we have grown.  I am filled with great joy as I prepare all three of my sons and myself to join  together to go beyond the world of DMD.  In closing I  want to share one beautiful thought from Josiah.  "Let your smile change the world but never let the world change your smile".

prom with a promise

Instantly I saw Cody's face light up as he saw Kayla approaching.  He looked so mature and handsome in his black  tuxedo.  His charming smile dazzling almost as much as the  diamond stud earrings he wore. Completely captivated,  as he watched the young woman who had captured his heart 2 years ago  walk towards him.  Her beautiful purple beaded gown glistened as the setting sun surrounded her.  On top of her head  perfectly placed sat a sparkling tiara.  She was his princess, his Cinderella  and he her prince Charming , this was to be their night of nights.  She smiled shyly down at him as she reached his side.  Together they went inside to join the other young couples that were lining up for  the Grand March. 

 The night had finally come that would give Kayla and Cody their magical moment on the dance floor.  I stood off to the side snapping photos next to  Kayla's mother Linda, while her father Peter and my sister Marie captured shots from another angle.  All  of us  over joyed that our children were sharing this special  night together. It had broken all our hearts when almost a year ago to the day,  as fate would have it, the  High School Prom night had been traumatically altered for this very special couple. But today thanks to the Shriners Annual Prom Cody and Kayla were offered another chance to fulfill a dream.

 I stood looking down  the long corridor feeling extreme happiness. Something I had not felt in quite a while.  Young  ladies in beautiful gowns lined the hallway escorted by  handsome young men in tuxes.  My two sons in wheelchairs and their lovely dates were first in the line for the Grand March.  It seemed already magic  was at work to our advantage.  Having both my sons  in front of the line would help keep them from letting anticipation grow to much. With cameras in hand we snapped picture after picture of our children as they were introduced to the waiting crowd.  First my youngest son Josiah with my niece Kayla looking adorable in his white tuxedo coat and her in a  beautiful glittery  cream knee length dress.  Followed by his big brother Cody.  Linda and I  sharing in our emotions of pure joy as we listened to Kayla and Cody be announced. This was a chance that  allowed  them both  the experience to feel like every other Teenager .  A mile stone for them that was not limited or in anyway inhibited  by their physical challenges.  A night where they were presented just like all the other young  couples.  A night that would give them lasting memories. A night that would also to our surprise fill our hearts as parents with deep admiration for both Kayla and Cody.

It was a beautiful night, everything seemed to be going smoothly, we watched  Cody and Kayla shine as they danced together. While  Linda and I paraded around them like Paparazzi they handled the constant click of cameras with out complaint.  Towards the end of the night as we stood encircled around the two discussing a few other last  photo options that we should take of them together, Kayla and Cody took it upon themselves to create a magical moment.  A moment that caught us all in surprise. Seizing the opportunity perfectly  Kayla quickly assisted in handing Cody a ring with a sparkling stone. Without any hesitation Cody very carefully  placed the ring on her finger asking Kayla to marry him.  We stood surrounding them holding  our hearts and our tears of joy.  Kayla very gently bent down to Cody to seal the acceptance  with a kiss.

Every parent has hopes and dreams for their children, even special needs parents.  This is the stuff dreams are made of.  The magical  moments in life that can make hope a reality.  

Chocolate

I dipped my pretzel twists into the can of the chocolate frosting I held tightly in my left hand. I savored the flavor as I chewed  the piece of pretzel in my mouth.The chocolate flavor calming me, helping me to escape.  I clung to the taste of salt and sugar. As though it was a relief to the problems that danced around me I concentrated on each dip into the can. For that moment it did not seem to matter to me that my size 2 skinny jeans were fast becoming   a distant memory of the past. Why I wondered had this indulgence become a ritual to help me escape from my pressing present dilemmas. This simply had become my new fix. A solution to help aid in my acceptance of problems I had no control over. A form of comfort that eased my sorrow. But a comfort that kept me isolated and my problems unresolved. Yes chocolate in many ways is rewarding but in answer to help in solidifying a solution,  not in the least.

More thoughts worked their way through my unsettled mind. It did not seem to matter that even with age most of us still fought to find our place in this world.  Some of us still struggled to find a Comfy place that could carry us off, away from our current dilemmas. 

I was thrilled to have a few days to spend just with Josiah. A week away from the  city at my sister Marie's new lake home. Nestled in a small town up north. Not only did we hope to take Josiah out for a pontoon ride,  but he was excitedly hoping, to visit a casino or two, while away. Yes now 18, new adventure ideas danced through his beautiful mind. 

However I could not help but be pulled into the thrones of what this new milestone meant in another way. Age in the devastating world of DMD. A world where aging was not a friend or met kindly. It introduced more adaptions and machines for daily living. It represented  more loss of functions and less ability. More importantly it brought the realization of an end becoming nearer. I wanted ardently  for 18 to be the the turning point that  meant the beginning of a new chapter for Josiah. I wanted it to mean, graduating from high high school like his cousins. I wanted it to mean hanging with friends, asking me for my car keys. Getting a summer job, even dating. What I did not want it to mean was learning how to use a bi-pap machine, researching for an arm assist or having his power chair resized and fitted with new adaptions that would aid in his continual muscle loss. I most importantly did not want it to remind me how much little time might really be left. A reality that tore at my heart.

I chewed another pretzel smothered in frosting, fighting to suppress my feelings of sorrow and loss. I hated this disease with every fiber of my being. I was helpless in our fight against it. And despised the control it had in every aspect of  our world. My whole life was and has been consumed with surviving its viscous attacks, first with my brothers and now with my sons. Helping my sons to thrive was now my only ambition. 

I disliked the representation of aging and right now wanted nothing more than to ignore it. If only it could be that simple I thought to my self. But even packing my son now for a few days away meant packing machines that helped him thrive. Pre-Planning was essential to his stay anywhere, even for a few hours.

I felt anger encroaching in my thoughts of how hard life was quickly becoming for my 2 younger sons and all the boys like them.  I needed a deterrent and fast. I had long ago accepted this was our world. As hard as it was, pure and simple, fitting in to an ambulatory world really did not matter anymore to us. I was done trying. We had long ago moved past that stage.   I needed to concentrate all my efforts on the  special life  I had worked so hard to create for my sons. Because the reality of it was,  we were  indeed different. I embraced marveling at all that my nephews achieved turning 18. But right now I would  run with the wind to help Josiah live out his own coming of age. 

With my last bite of a frosting smothered pretzel I decided that Yes I did posses the power to  put my restless thougts to rest for now. I would help Josiah have his own amazing year of turning 18. 

Heat

 My heart quickened. I felt a moisture begin to form on the surface of my palms.  He stepped closer, bending slightly towards me so that our eyes locked.   I could feel the heat from his body as he pulled me into him.  It was almost as though I was  powerless against the growing attraction we shared.  His strong  muscular arms enveloped me with a force full of hunger and desire.  With his moist lips slightly parted,  he covered mine, as though inviting me to surrender to the magic between us.  His pressed lips, growing firmer against my own as I accepted his kiss.   I breathed in deep, slowly drawing in his masculine scent. Almost dizzy from the alluring aroma,  I quivered, feeling parts of me awakening to the sensuality of the moment.  His  breath heavy and warm lingered on the nape of my neck as he explored with his lips. For the moment I was entranced by the intense pleasure I was feeling.  What was it about him that  I found so irresistible, I wondered to myself.
 
 On the surface he seemed no different than other man I had known.  Handsome, tall, with an athletic  physique that would fare well for a  man even ten years to his junior.  He was strong with a  casual rugged bad boy  appearance.    But Inside  he was deeply complex, sensitive, connected to his emotions.    A restless soul wandering in the after math of sordid affairs that had  left him unfulfilled. He  seem to posses  at times an untamed charm that made him appear almost child like.  His zest to explore the world intrigued me.  I felt challenged and quite enticed by the variation he brought to my contained world. Yes, he was indeed different from the men that had encircled me in the past.

I could not deny any longer the passion  that existed between us. My knees grew weak as his large hands began to caress me,  sending sensations running up and down my spine.  I felt his heart beating as he held me even tighter.  There was no place I wanted to be more than right where I was.  Behind him he  closed the door slowly with  his foot. I stretched out my hand towards the wall dimming the lights. The moment was ours.   He was capturing my heart and I no longer found myself wanting to resist.  

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