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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Watched the boys swim today. If only we were fish, or a species of man that lived in water. Cody would be walking. I love his independence and confidence in the water. I see so much of him come alive as he becomes weightless. I see him use muscle that otherwise seem to be of no use. Swimming is truly a benefit to his well being.

Josiah has came such a long way from when he first began to go under water. The fear in his eyes has totally vanished, replaced by a confident smile as he surfaces. I see joy in his eyes that once was not there. I see strength where there was once fear. I see my child growing and maturing before me.

Lifting is not becoming easier though for me. My determination now is not enough alone. I fight to maintain his balance as well as my own while transporting Cody. I did feel his legs give out today while he was in my arms. Holding him up took all the strength with in me. we managed but, for the first time I felt a slight rush of fear surge through me. I am his legs and arms most of the time. If I fail where does that leave this beautiful young man. He depends on me I must be strong at all cost.

I thought about the word strength today. It came up in several conversations I had with friends and family. Strength-physical and emotional. Both making up who we are, what we can do and how we do it. I have heard people say " they just are not as strong as some people". Hmm... We all start off the same. Coming from the womb. Each having to take our first breath, first swallow, most of us our first step and first word. Perhaps it is the way we approach and handle each event that makes us different.

We can choose to quit, give up. We can wait for help or someone to do it for us. We can also choose to push ourselves not let anything stop us from achieving our goal or finding a way to succeed. Often that might mean looking into our selves for something. Something that God has put inside all of us. It may not always be physical strength or emotional it could just be the strength to ask for help.

I was faced with finding strength today. Physical strength and emotional. A strength that held faith in myself and God. A strength to find the courage to handle my fear and doubt. I over came a weak moment and I carried my son up a flight of stairs. I know my God would not entrust me with the care of another human being if I could not do the job or find away to do it.

Failing or quitting would not be, trusting in him and the faith he has in me. There may come a time when I will need help with physical strength to help my sons succeed. I trust that God will guide me again. I still will have my days where I just do not want to face the world or lift another thing. I will have my sad moments of fear, doubt and lonliness. I will also always have free will to choose to quit. Or I can choose to be strong let others lean on me. To be the arms and legs for my sons as long as they need me. To be strong enough to face this journey alone if that is my fate. To also be strong enough to have the courage to seek help and accept WHEN I CAN NO LONGER DO IT MYSELF.

Strength is there for all of us, not a gift for a chosen few.

Strength lies in each one of us. Its our choice what we choose to do with it.

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