Cody walked to day his steps were few and very calculated. He struggled so desperately to let each foot raise and again come to rest on the floor beneath him. My eyes filled with tears of great joy and yet sadness. My beloved child before me fought so diligently to obtain some strength in his dying muscles. This was a good day, I reasoned, within myself, Cody walked. He took steps, no matter how few, some were better than none. But by comparison to what? Each day more fear grows inside of me as I become his legs and arms. . Alone I watch this beautiful child loose himself to a disease that shows no mercy and strips away all hope . While I smile at him now and sing praise to the five steps he took my heart breaks in silence. Later within the walls of my own room my tears of the sorrow yet to come will flood me. I will cry. I will face my greatest fear and challenges. Alone I will pull myself up and out of the darkness I feel, and be all that my beautiful children need. Through shaking hands and sobs of heart felt pain and loss I will carry Cody forward.
Josiah pulled himself up from the floor today. Though he took much assurance that he could do it he finally raised himself to a standing position. It took so much for my little one to make his weakening muscles allow him to stand. His eyes showing the enormous strength he puts forward into such a simple task for most of us. I rejoice in tears. He managed a task Cody no longer can. We embrace to celebrate another moment of victory. Inside I feel torn and fear growing. Reasoning again I know this is a good day Josiah stood by himself. When the day ends, again I will cry alone my tears of loss. Then find comfort by remembering moments of a time when life felt different. For now I will enjoy Josiah and celebrate all his abilities. We will take one day at a time. My fear and sorrow I will hide today. I will be strong for Josiah. I will be the muscle he needs.
While I fight my own fears and search for courage I pray that I can be strong enough to never let Josiah and Cody feel alone. I know I must put all their needs first and be the forces they will need to get through each day. While holding back my tears I will have to dry theirs. To help them face each day with courage I will have to hide my fears. Even though I walk alone at times I will have to let them know I will be with them always. As the sun rises tomorrow so shall we, together.