a simple walk

I took a walk with Jesus, yesterday. The thin layer of melting white snow crunched under our feet. I shivered from the February north wind and pulled my collar tighter around my neck. Feeling happy, I had chosen warm boots to wear for our walk. Jesus walked only in sandals and a white flowing robe of cotton. We walked in silence for some time listening to the sounds around us. From the trees above our heads birds could be heard chirping and some children’s laughter echoed from a sliding hill in the distance. Then ever so gently he put my hand in his. Speaking not a word he gave my fingers a light squeeze, then rested his fingers softly against mine. We walked some more holding hands in silence. I felt warm. The breeze that had been whipping against my cheeks had seemed to lesson and no longer sent chills though my jacket. I felt a warmth surround me.  I felt safe and  at ease. Without a single word I knew why Jesus had came to be with me now.

“Jesus” I finally turned to him and said, “ I am not strong enough.  I am not enough”. We stopped walking for a moment and Jesus turned , stepping in front of me. Tenderly, he put his hand under my chin lifting it slightly to look into my sad eyes. He gazed into my eyes.   So beautiful his face appeared. Tears had been building in his deep brown eyes. I watched as one trickled down, sliding so gently against his soft smooth skin.  I wanted to touch it.  Wipe it away.  “But you are” he whispered softly to me. I looked away for a moment then back to his eyes that filled my heart and soul. . “It is so hard, I can’t do it.  My heart feels so broken and I am so very scared” I paused “ and alone”. I whispered softly, hearing my words echo as I spoke. “ I feel so much sorrow and loss”. He put his arms around me and pulled me closely to him. I could feel the beat of his heart and the warmth from his body. I let him hold me, sobbing softly in his arms. Somehow he made me feel strong and beautiful. Not the scared lonely soul I knew, as me. The single mother who buried herself in the special needs of her two youngest sons. A beautiful mess broken and worn. Somehow with him right now I  could see past my fears. I felt something new coming alive in me.

“I chose you,” Jesus said holding me tightly. “You are the one”. He spoke gently “You are part of the plan, I need you”. “Before you were born I knew I would choose you,” Jesus said stroking my hair. “I placed two of my most precious ones in your care because I knew you would not fail”. He breathed deeply pulling me closer. “Jesus I am falling apart” I cried. “ That is why you are so special for the job, you are facing your fear”. Jesus replied. “You do not hide from the pain or ask why. Only that I be with you.” His words meant so much to me. My Jesus believed in me and for the first time in so long I did not feel alone, in his arms I wanted to stay forever. I looked up into the eyes of my lord. There was no place more peaceful and loving than this time I was having with him now. Jesus brushed strands of hair from my face and smiled. “You will feel pain and you will feel alone. You will cry a river of tears. You will love and you will be loved. You will live and you will die, just as I”. He said, kissing my forehead gently with his soft lips. Sighing I looked down. He put so much faith in me, this man who stood before me, who died for me. Raising my chin again to look in my eyes he said “ trust in me”. I knew I would not let him down. I had come this far.

Silently we walked some more hand in hand. Then Jesus turned once more to me “your children will guide you and from them you will find strength, they are my gift to you.” He said. “You will shine through their eyes”. I looked away and realized we were at my front door. I looked back into his eyes then  we embraced for one last time. I rested against his chest wanting to remember this time forever. “I will always be with you” Jesus said. I held him tight. I wanted to feel his arms around me forever. He gave me a sense of love, like I had never known before. He did not tell me  to change or  question me. He did not criticize or make  demands of me. Jesus was not judging me. He trusted in me.  My fingers slowly slid down his back as I drew a deep breath. I stepped back to look at him one last time, his beauty captivating me. I knew we would be together again someday. I knew I would need him again and again.   For now, I understood I was where I needed to be.  Here with my sons. This was my journey.  In our short time together he had helped me to find the strength I needed and to trust in myself again. He knew me so well, when I needed him most he was always with  me..

It was snowing again and the wind began to pick up but I still felt his warmth envelope me. Jesus lifted my chin and looked one last time deeply into my eyes.  Ever so softly he whispered “ I believe in you”.  He gently kissed my forehead again and then slowly turned to leave.   As I watched him go I smiled as I felt an inner peace fill me. Falling was not so hard with Jesus  there to help me stand up again.