love and the social network

The screen flashed at me.  Alerting me I had some new emails.  I scrolled through the  photos of the newest group of men interested in possibly meeting me.  My popularity seemed to be increasing and my choices of pursuers told me my efforts were drawing a rather diverse group of possibilities.  I paused momentarily at one caption.  Simply stating "Fly with me" instead of hello.  I was most definitely intrigued.  I read my new email, and then read it again.  Shook my head as I smiled to myself.  Each day seemed to be introducing me to new and more exciting  invitations.  My four weeks since joining the social network world so far, had been if nothing else, enjoyable.    No doubt,  it was expanding my world and my view of what the market held.   The few dates I had been on, had been pleasant, but lacking so far in what I  found to keep my interest.  Nothing had screamed at me -loud enough, to pursue a second date.  But I was finding some interest in a few new faces of men who had recently began conversing with me over the phone.  It dazzled me while I read my emails, at the opening lines some men used.  Creativity was not lacking on this site. I had even had several marriage proposals.   I decided I would come back to this latest email.  Giving  it some thought,  before answering, after all what does a girl say to an invitation to fly with a stranger. 

 I went through the list, reading my  remaining emails, only to find  myself a bit  distracted, by  yet another beautifully written note.  A note  telling me how much a certain man  looked forward to meeting me and that just receiving a text from me brightened his day.  He, I found to be well grounded, a bit of eye candy and carefully flirtatious.  Also he  was not hesitating to show me his romantic side by calling me and playing my favorite song over the phone.  Qualities that had moved him up the list right there.  The world of dating most definitely for me was not lacking in compliments and attention.  I was pleased with the amount of text and emails I was receiving in such a short time.  Attention, sadly  I  had been missing for quite some time from my previous relationship.  It surprised me as I thought of my past, with just how much we are willing to put up with, in a relationship, that we believe offers us the one thing we desire most-love.

 Re-entering the dating world again,  I found now  to be actually a bit exciting.  Meeting new people can be very alluring and fascinating, especially when they share their enthusiasm towards you.  I also find it very interesting learning why some of us become so locked into into acting and looking a certain way.  A bit  perplexed why  many adults resist change like a plague, and have no interest in personal improvement, yet strive to capture something so very far  out of their reach.   Also perplexed why some of us just accept good enough is good enough  and some of us want desire so much more.  It amazes me how often the way we perceive ourselves is not always the way the world sees us back.

My thoughts were interrupted once again, with a second email from my friend who likes to fly.   I was immediately brought back to the present.   Hmm....   Was an airplane ride to much for a first date?   I wondered?  How serious, could this invitation be?  This man  had however, with out doubt, did his homework, before contacting me.  His pictures appeared to be current dated in a sequential order.  His face was clear and visible.  He captured a full body shot of himself showing me he had intentions of letting me see as much of him as possible.  The eight photos he had uploaded for me, told me he had many interest and several big boy toys.  One in particular was a small plane with floats.  I was impressed, he had taken the time to give me a profile of himself and then taken the time to actually read mine, by commenting on it.  Below his picture I read more. He worked for the Delta Airlines. He found my  smile captivating  him as well as what I wrote.   He said he was searching for love.  Like most of us hopeless romantics  in the dating world.  Hoping to find someone that made the mornings  a little brighter the nights a little warmer, the days a little happier.   Another  romantic?? possibly.  Another soul searching for love- most definitely.

Four weeks ago  when I first set off on my new adventure of dating  I was a bit apprehensive. Afraid I would be flooded with a world of men in need of  makeovers "immediately", or at the very  least men in need of some pointers on how to impress and approach the dating world with results.  While that  thought represented a large group of men it fleetingly left me for several hours while on my  first date.  He was put together  fine. Tall, very well groomed and very kind, but  I simply felt no buzz to continue on to a second date even though his invitation of a night on the town was tempting.  Apparently I also learnt that was a fact that  would  be important for me to make  clear, as soon as I realized it on my dates to come.  My second interested  caller,  along with a bouquet of flowers attempted a  much more scientific approach to win my interest.  He felt confident enough to evaluate the time we spent together by telling me he noticed my pupils dilate several times while we conversed over cocktails.  Even though my words the next time he asked me out were saying no he believed my eyes had told him I  had an interest. I must say I found this to be an almost fascinating, yet an  inappropriate  bold approach.  He was not successful in persuading me, after all I had dated enough in the past to know if and when I felt something.  I may not always know exactly what I want but I do know what I am not interested in. Being told how I feel is not one them.    As  Kind and sweet as some of my male encounters have been  it just is not my job to help lonely hearts not be lonely or give them false hope.   I  barely have enough time to take care of my own heart and answer the emails I find most tantalizing.     Having someone find me interesting  and me not reciprocating the feeling  is an issue it seems I may need to  remember to address firmly. 

So  I am delighted that I have a few female friends reentering the dating world with me this time. Our taste in men differs enough to not create conflict and yet share in  the excitement of possibilities of what our searches turn up. Which has made dating even more enjoyable for me.

Dating in a time that can connect you to someone across the world instantly, almost, has no limits, if you are willing to go that far.   But the chemistry and attraction felt between two people still works the same. The social network really can connect you to the world beyond your backyard but it can not make your heart fall without your consent.  Inside you know when you have an actual  heart interest.  A possibility that could flourish in love.   I myself  may have to work on my pupils a bit, to keep from giving out the wrong message.  However I applaud my fellow romantics.  Those of us brave souls  willing to  at least take that extra step to search for love again by creating  a profile  that says I am desirable and open up to the world of dating.  Because after all finding love is really worth the effort.      

the new

I gave my image a quick  glance over through the glass window.  Pleased at the reflection that smiled back at me, I slowly entered the heavy wood framed doors.  A tinge  of nervousness caused a small flutter with in my abdomen, as I carefully  scanned the dimly lit bar room.  Trying  desperately to keep the photographed face of my date pictured in my mind while I searched for him.

 It had been a few years since I had last been inside  Keegans Pub, and  the pleasant familiarity came rushing back to me instantly.  I had indeed enjoyed so many casual platonic meetings here in the past.  The comfort level reminding me once again why, I had  chosen this place tonight.  First dates had always been  easy for me in the previous years following my divorce.   I wondered if tonight would be any  different.  After all I was older and wiser with  nothing to loose, knowing  I would leave exactly as I came.   I felt a pair of eyes looking  at me from a cross the room,  I looked up and  there he was.  His handsome smile broadening as our eyes met.  As if on cue he rose from his chair eagerly waiting my approach.  Yes I was definitely  experiencing a slight case of the jitters.  Something I had not felt in quite sometime and found now to be  very interesting.  Why and how I wondered, did he have such an effect on me. As I reached the table, instantly he stepped forward to extend his strong hand in a firm greeting. His scent  almost tantalizing me, as his hazel eyes lingered just slightly enough, to let me know I had commanded his full attention.

Conversation and the surge of occasional  laughter managed to last between us for several hours.  I embraced his light humor and found myself almost dazzled  by the ease of our conversing.  I sighed momentarily remembering  the uneasiness I had felt earlier in the evening.  The night  simply could not have went more perfect if  I had  wrote it and rehearsed it  myself.   I was in awe of the fact that the night was shortly coming  to an end.  We rose together to say our goodbyes but  his embrace told me,  this  truly was just hello.   My nap from the dating world was over and a new journey was possibly on the verge of beginning.  I felt good  about the steps I had taken to get to where I was now,  and happy to be able to share my moving on, with a new attraction.        

beyond

 His blue eyes looked back me as though he was lost and unable to show any emotion, almost as though he was void of all human feeling.  In cool silence, with out words  he sat.  His strong   hands, the hands that had at one time tenderly held my own, now laid  neatly folded, in front him, while he blankly, looked at me.    I searched his face for something.  Anything, that resembled an inkling of the  emotions I desperately yearned for.    My mind raced with thoughts,  and memories of us, while I fought  to hold back the heartache that was anxiously waiting to consume me.  Slowly I parted my lips to speak to him from my heart.  A heart, that for several  weeks, now had  felt as the though shards of glass had severed it into broken sections.   My  words echoed in my head with each syllable as I spoke.  Desperately I wanted to reach into the depths of his soul.  Clutching at the smallest bit of hope, I waited to hear him say something, to help me not give up on him.  Something  that declared we still had a chance together.  Hope that somehow I could find some passion for me, with in him alive.    His defensive response only reassured what I had already began to realize months ago, was missing.   After all this time, he still could  not tell me the three words I wanted to hear. There simply was nothing left for me to fight for.  With out warning,  I  swiftly rose  to my feet and walked away.  Leaving him  sitting at the table  alone,  in his protected world.  A world where he had  allowed  fear to build a wall.  A wall  that shut out the one thing we all as humans strive for.  His  past holding him captive in a space void of the beauty which comes from love.   
   
My drive home alone  that night was  met with a long thoughtful silence.  A silence I embraced.  Somehow, as much as my heart ached for the man I had fallen in love with, I knew it was what I needed to do.  He had told me he had feelings but ....With out conviction of the words, he knew I longed for,  and needed to hear.  His own use of the word BUT told me more than he knew.  I had put aside my own fears and shared with him  from my heart. Sadly he was no closer to telling me something to keep me  from giving up.   As I drove in my silence it  become clear,  loosing me was something he had already prepared to do.  It was a choice he had long ago accepted.   After four years together,  the best he could give me was the willingness to work toward an  agreement, as though love was capable of standing still and  be negotiated.

In  moving on and rediscovering me, I find myself deeply consumed at times analyzing the dysfunction of so many humans. I am staggered by the endless search for love from the world that surrounds me.  The willingness to search for love by so many, but the lack of change  to attempt to attract our hearts desire, and the strength demanded  to hold on to it.   As always in all my endeavors it is my hope to gain insight and knowledge. To walk away with more than what I began my journey with.   True satisfying  love comes from the heart and not the mind.