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Saturday, February 1, 2014

beyond

 His blue eyes looked back me as though he was lost and unable to show any emotion, almost as though he was void of all human feeling.  In cool silence, with out words  he sat.  His strong   hands, the hands that had at one time tenderly held my own, now laid  neatly folded, in front him, while he blankly, looked at me.    I searched his face for something.  Anything, that resembled an inkling of the  emotions I desperately yearned for.    My mind raced with thoughts,  and memories of us, while I fought  to hold back the heartache that was anxiously waiting to consume me.  Slowly I parted my lips to speak to him from my heart.  A heart, that for several  weeks, now had  felt as the though shards of glass had severed it into broken sections.   My  words echoed in my head with each syllable as I spoke.  Desperately I wanted to reach into the depths of his soul.  Clutching at the smallest bit of hope, I waited to hear him say something, to help me not give up on him.  Something  that declared we still had a chance together.  Hope that somehow I could find some passion for me, with in him alive.    His defensive response only reassured what I had already began to realize months ago, was missing.   After all this time, he still could  not tell me the three words I wanted to hear. There simply was nothing left for me to fight for.  With out warning,  I  swiftly rose  to my feet and walked away.  Leaving him  sitting at the table  alone,  in his protected world.  A world where he had  allowed  fear to build a wall.  A wall  that shut out the one thing we all as humans strive for.  His  past holding him captive in a space void of the beauty which comes from love.   
   
My drive home alone  that night was  met with a long thoughtful silence.  A silence I embraced.  Somehow, as much as my heart ached for the man I had fallen in love with, I knew it was what I needed to do.  He had told me he had feelings but ....With out conviction of the words, he knew I longed for,  and needed to hear.  His own use of the word BUT told me more than he knew.  I had put aside my own fears and shared with him  from my heart. Sadly he was no closer to telling me something to keep me  from giving up.   As I drove in my silence it  become clear,  loosing me was something he had already prepared to do.  It was a choice he had long ago accepted.   After four years together,  the best he could give me was the willingness to work toward an  agreement, as though love was capable of standing still and  be negotiated.

In  moving on and rediscovering me, I find myself deeply consumed at times analyzing the dysfunction of so many humans. I am staggered by the endless search for love from the world that surrounds me.  The willingness to search for love by so many, but the lack of change  to attempt to attract our hearts desire, and the strength demanded  to hold on to it.   As always in all my endeavors it is my hope to gain insight and knowledge. To walk away with more than what I began my journey with.   True satisfying  love comes from the heart and not the mind.

 

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