I drove around tears freely falling with only one thought. I can run, I can hide but when the day is done reality grabs me and captures the very essence of my being. Challenged I take one step forward and face the world she has brought to me. I can be as tough as nails as cold as ice and there is one thing in this world that breaks me down, dropping me to my knees. DUCHENNE. My enemy, my life mate, my fear above all fears. The one thing that has been constant in my world, the one thing that controls my life. It dictates my emotions, my thoughts, my hope, my dreams and the way I see the world.
Where ever I go whatever I choose to do it is Duchenne that decides how its done, how long I have, what the outcome may have and the choices I need to make to make it all happen. I am lucky I have strength and the belief in myself to use my courage to face failure.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Labor Day has a special meaning for me- as it approaches carry this thought
I watched you walk today. So effortlessly your feet seem to move with every step. Your legs so perfectly shaped moving as though they were weightless. I watched as your knees bent slightly as each foot rose, just above the floor, then straightened again. Your legs defining the lean healthy strong muscles of your calves. So powerful as they supported the weight of your body. I followed with my eyes as you moved past me, almost as though you floated in the air.
Closing my eyes I tried to envision how it felt to stand. To have the use of my own limbs back again. Opening my eyes I looked down at my now almost useless limbs. My legs motionless, locked in a semi-bent position. I glanced at my feet slightly turned inward, motionless too, resting on the foot rest of my wheelchair. I imagined myself moving them. Freely moving them, standing on them. It did not matter how hard I tried they hung lifeless, attached to me.
I watched as you bent down. Your knees skimming the floor slightly as you folded yourself almost in half. Just as effortlessly you were standing erect in front of me again. What did it feel like I wondered, to have your body fold and unfold. To engage in twisting and turning with out someone maneuvering you from position to position. What did it feel like to lift your feet up and down as you moved form place to place.
What did it feel like to stand, to walk to just move your leg slightly without assistance.
I watched as you brushed a strand of hair from your face. I followed the motion of your arm that led up to your perfect hand. Your arm exposing the slight curves of muscle moved as though it took no thought to perform this function. I was in awe as you scratched your nose freely with slender straight fingers that moved with ease.
I lowered my head in an effort to help my hand reach my chin, to scratch it. I was unable. I had accepted the fact long ago that my nose was out of reach, for my weakening arm . Now I would have to accept my chin was also no longer in range for my hand. I marveled at the swing of each of your arms, as you raised them to reach and grasp at things. I shut my eyes and tried to remember the last time I successfully reached for something, anything. My mind was blank.
You smiled at me and slowly bent down to embrace me. I felt my self bask in the warmth of your beautiful useful arms. I wept silently inside. Not because I could no longer scratch my nose or even stand. But because I wanted to wrap my arms around you and hug you back in return.
Closing my eyes I tried to envision how it felt to stand. To have the use of my own limbs back again. Opening my eyes I looked down at my now almost useless limbs. My legs motionless, locked in a semi-bent position. I glanced at my feet slightly turned inward, motionless too, resting on the foot rest of my wheelchair. I imagined myself moving them. Freely moving them, standing on them. It did not matter how hard I tried they hung lifeless, attached to me.
I watched as you bent down. Your knees skimming the floor slightly as you folded yourself almost in half. Just as effortlessly you were standing erect in front of me again. What did it feel like I wondered, to have your body fold and unfold. To engage in twisting and turning with out someone maneuvering you from position to position. What did it feel like to lift your feet up and down as you moved form place to place.
What did it feel like to stand, to walk to just move your leg slightly without assistance.
I watched as you brushed a strand of hair from your face. I followed the motion of your arm that led up to your perfect hand. Your arm exposing the slight curves of muscle moved as though it took no thought to perform this function. I was in awe as you scratched your nose freely with slender straight fingers that moved with ease.
I lowered my head in an effort to help my hand reach my chin, to scratch it. I was unable. I had accepted the fact long ago that my nose was out of reach, for my weakening arm . Now I would have to accept my chin was also no longer in range for my hand. I marveled at the swing of each of your arms, as you raised them to reach and grasp at things. I shut my eyes and tried to remember the last time I successfully reached for something, anything. My mind was blank.
You smiled at me and slowly bent down to embrace me. I felt my self bask in the warmth of your beautiful useful arms. I wept silently inside. Not because I could no longer scratch my nose or even stand. But because I wanted to wrap my arms around you and hug you back in return.
Friday, August 22, 2014
a moment to late
I simply did not make it to Cody, in time. I sensed the disappointment, even be fore I opened his door. He laid there with his head turned as far as he could, away from the deposits that now shared his bed. He laid there, half on his side desperately trying to assure me he now felt fine. Thankfully, after assessing him it seemed most likely to be a case of acid reflex. My anxiety level lessened, slightly.
I had heard his call over the monitor, but I was slow in my response. I had moved like a snail up the stairs, because I suffered from my own fatigue and personal weariness, of events from the prior night. I felt a bit annoyed with myself, that my haste in coming to his aide, had caused Cody to lay in extracted composits from his stomach. I needed Cody to know he was no more to blame for the mishap than I. We simply were fighting something much bigger than the two of us, and all we could do was cope with each and every unfortunate situation as it arises. What we were faced with now, was the task of getting him out of bed, with as much ease as possible and cleaning him and his bedding up.
I repositioned him slightly, while trying gently to pull his pillow case and sheet from underneath him. His big brown eyes followed me as I worked. Quietly he whispered to me "sorry mom." I could hear the sadness in his voice. He needed reassurance, that I was not upset by the unpleasant start of our early morning. My heart ached for him. I understood the sullenness the moment brought him. He was trapped. Imprisoned in a body that left him helpless, especially at moments like this. He was living with a disease that showed no mercy and that fought to strip him of all pride, fraying any shred of dignity he may have somehow managed to hang onto over the years.
I felt worry and exhaustion both grasping at me. Not to mention, anger. I was happy Cody had not choked or inhaled any of the vomit. Yet, I felt my anger at this debilitating disease, that never ever lets up, grow even deeper with in me. This disease continually stole from us, without hesitation. As I worked to clean up Cody, a silence embarked on me. It was becoming all to real, I was losing in this fight. Right now, I could not bare to have Cody see my own surrendering, to the devastation Duchenne presented to our world.
For the last few weeks Cody had been questioning me regarding the use of drugs, depression and suicide. He had made several comments to me, letting me know he struggled himself with finding an inner peace. He was also angry that his disease prevented him from having the opportunity to act out his anguish, if that was what he so chose to do, in regards towards losing his Independence and accepting all the limits his world held. Simply put, he was feeling a deep sense of loss and was struggling with his emotions. His disease, he said was stopping him from acting out his hurt. I embraced the fact he was honest with me. But my heart broke, for the pain he carried with in.
I had spent a good part of the night struggling with my own acceptance, of letting go of old hopes and dreams. Feverishly, trying to make sense of this journey and the direction I was now choosing to follow. Desperately, now as I attended to Cody's needs, I wanted to help us both feel some peace of mind. But inside, I had nothing. I was worn and felt beaten down. I smiled and did my best to comfort Cody. I did somehow manage to help him to move past his battered pride and sadness, for the moment.
But, as the day wore on it was my eldest son Zach, with his strong embrace, understanding and his loving words that helped to pull me up right, when I needed it. So for right now, in this life today, when it comes down to living and thriving for me and my sons, I have no time to be anything other than strong. Because, nothing is ever worth the cost of giving up.
I had heard his call over the monitor, but I was slow in my response. I had moved like a snail up the stairs, because I suffered from my own fatigue and personal weariness, of events from the prior night. I felt a bit annoyed with myself, that my haste in coming to his aide, had caused Cody to lay in extracted composits from his stomach. I needed Cody to know he was no more to blame for the mishap than I. We simply were fighting something much bigger than the two of us, and all we could do was cope with each and every unfortunate situation as it arises. What we were faced with now, was the task of getting him out of bed, with as much ease as possible and cleaning him and his bedding up.
I repositioned him slightly, while trying gently to pull his pillow case and sheet from underneath him. His big brown eyes followed me as I worked. Quietly he whispered to me "sorry mom." I could hear the sadness in his voice. He needed reassurance, that I was not upset by the unpleasant start of our early morning. My heart ached for him. I understood the sullenness the moment brought him. He was trapped. Imprisoned in a body that left him helpless, especially at moments like this. He was living with a disease that showed no mercy and that fought to strip him of all pride, fraying any shred of dignity he may have somehow managed to hang onto over the years.
I felt worry and exhaustion both grasping at me. Not to mention, anger. I was happy Cody had not choked or inhaled any of the vomit. Yet, I felt my anger at this debilitating disease, that never ever lets up, grow even deeper with in me. This disease continually stole from us, without hesitation. As I worked to clean up Cody, a silence embarked on me. It was becoming all to real, I was losing in this fight. Right now, I could not bare to have Cody see my own surrendering, to the devastation Duchenne presented to our world.
For the last few weeks Cody had been questioning me regarding the use of drugs, depression and suicide. He had made several comments to me, letting me know he struggled himself with finding an inner peace. He was also angry that his disease prevented him from having the opportunity to act out his anguish, if that was what he so chose to do, in regards towards losing his Independence and accepting all the limits his world held. Simply put, he was feeling a deep sense of loss and was struggling with his emotions. His disease, he said was stopping him from acting out his hurt. I embraced the fact he was honest with me. But my heart broke, for the pain he carried with in.
I had spent a good part of the night struggling with my own acceptance, of letting go of old hopes and dreams. Feverishly, trying to make sense of this journey and the direction I was now choosing to follow. Desperately, now as I attended to Cody's needs, I wanted to help us both feel some peace of mind. But inside, I had nothing. I was worn and felt beaten down. I smiled and did my best to comfort Cody. I did somehow manage to help him to move past his battered pride and sadness, for the moment.
But, as the day wore on it was my eldest son Zach, with his strong embrace, understanding and his loving words that helped to pull me up right, when I needed it. So for right now, in this life today, when it comes down to living and thriving for me and my sons, I have no time to be anything other than strong. Because, nothing is ever worth the cost of giving up.
Monday, August 11, 2014
in the presence of terror or not
A fear that I had never known before swept over me. My heart pounded wildly as panic swirled inside me, leaving me unable to think or move. All rationale left me as the horror of what was now happening ripped through my mind.
The stench of his breath almost smothered me as he spoke in a low deep hoarse whisper in my ear. "Don't move", he ordered me as his grip tightened around my throat. He smelled a combination of stale tobacco and musty perspiration. His hands felt calloused and hard. I clawed at his enormous fingers, desperately trying to pry them away. He held me tight, quickly shoving me toward the wall as though I was weightless. His huge body blocked my view to the street and formed a wall in front of me, almost keeping me from being visible. It did not help that the dark corner of the shelter where he had now backed me into, created a shield from the traffic that I could hear off in the distance to the side of me.
His thumb pressed harder into my slender throat as I tried frantically to fight his grip. Quickly he shuffled me even more into the corner of the semi enclosed cement bus shelter. My eyes darted at an open spot past him, hoping and searching for anyone to help me. It was only half past 9 and yet the street in front of me seemed void of any night life. I had waited so many nights before at this exact bus stop, that usually bustled with other riders. This highly used bus stop was alive with human life on most any given night with the frequent stop of buses. How could this place, with out so much as a moment of any kind of threat before, now be a place that posed harm to me. I could see the slight shadows of human movement not to far from where I was imprisoned. Why was it that no one was seeing him, or entering the shelter, I thought in my panic.
A smile slowly crossed over his face as he looked in my eyes, almost as if the terror he could now see building in me pleased him. I tried to raise my knee towards any vulnerable parts of him, in a failed attempt, to help free myself. I had not even been aware of his prescience moving toward me, and with in seconds, before I knew what was happening, he was holding me captive. He was unaffected by my pleading to let me go and seemed determined to hold me at his will. I felt helpless and overwhelmed with terror.
My heart raced as I became aware of the faint sounds of voices not to far off. I spotted a figure moving across the street as I lowered my eyes to peer under his raised arm . Some where from deep with in me I released a shrill loud desperate cry for help. Hoping and praying some how I would be heard by someone not to afraid to help me. I fought to hold back the choking sensation from the pressure of his hand against my wind pipe, knowing that this may possibly be my one and only chance to free myself of the danger he presented.
His grip lessened momentarily as I screamed. He seemed somewhat startled by the sound of a voice answering back that appeared to now be moving towards us. A strong male voice, loudly calling out to me " are you okay"? With a force so determined at that exact moment I began pushing against my attacker, making enough headway to move slightly into the dim light that the shelter offered, while still screaming for help. My only thought was to get away from him. As the voice came nearer my captor slowly dropped his hand from my neck, but just before he freed me he whispered softly in my ear "Next time be more careful honey, it might not be me stalking you". With in seconds just like that he vanished.
The kind man who came to my rescue asked if I was fine. As I assured him even though I was rather shaken up and my neck ached I had not been harmed. He kindly insisted he wait with me till I was safely put on my bus. Still in shock and only vaguely aware of my emotions, we waited together in silence. As my bus pulled up I thanked him. He gently touched my shoulder and told me to feel proud, I had did exactly what I was suppose to do.
I sat near the front of the bus blankly looking out the window. Trying to collectively calm myself and work through all that had just happened. As we pulled to the next stop, I held my breath as I began to feel myself tremble. Looking out the window silent tears slowly rolled down my cheeks as I noticed a large tall figure standing almost in front of me, just blocks away from where I had been. With the same slight smile, he raised his hand to wave to me as the bus began to pass him, then he turned as though he was waiting for someone coming towards him down the street.
Later that night as I laid in my bed I could not help but hear the words over and over in my head from both men "I did exactly what I was suppose to do" and "next time be more careful honey". As I anxiously waited for the rescue of sleep I struggled with one continuous thought. I could surrender to my fear or walk away with something more useful.
The stench of his breath almost smothered me as he spoke in a low deep hoarse whisper in my ear. "Don't move", he ordered me as his grip tightened around my throat. He smelled a combination of stale tobacco and musty perspiration. His hands felt calloused and hard. I clawed at his enormous fingers, desperately trying to pry them away. He held me tight, quickly shoving me toward the wall as though I was weightless. His huge body blocked my view to the street and formed a wall in front of me, almost keeping me from being visible. It did not help that the dark corner of the shelter where he had now backed me into, created a shield from the traffic that I could hear off in the distance to the side of me.
His thumb pressed harder into my slender throat as I tried frantically to fight his grip. Quickly he shuffled me even more into the corner of the semi enclosed cement bus shelter. My eyes darted at an open spot past him, hoping and searching for anyone to help me. It was only half past 9 and yet the street in front of me seemed void of any night life. I had waited so many nights before at this exact bus stop, that usually bustled with other riders. This highly used bus stop was alive with human life on most any given night with the frequent stop of buses. How could this place, with out so much as a moment of any kind of threat before, now be a place that posed harm to me. I could see the slight shadows of human movement not to far from where I was imprisoned. Why was it that no one was seeing him, or entering the shelter, I thought in my panic.
A smile slowly crossed over his face as he looked in my eyes, almost as if the terror he could now see building in me pleased him. I tried to raise my knee towards any vulnerable parts of him, in a failed attempt, to help free myself. I had not even been aware of his prescience moving toward me, and with in seconds, before I knew what was happening, he was holding me captive. He was unaffected by my pleading to let me go and seemed determined to hold me at his will. I felt helpless and overwhelmed with terror.
My heart raced as I became aware of the faint sounds of voices not to far off. I spotted a figure moving across the street as I lowered my eyes to peer under his raised arm . Some where from deep with in me I released a shrill loud desperate cry for help. Hoping and praying some how I would be heard by someone not to afraid to help me. I fought to hold back the choking sensation from the pressure of his hand against my wind pipe, knowing that this may possibly be my one and only chance to free myself of the danger he presented.
His grip lessened momentarily as I screamed. He seemed somewhat startled by the sound of a voice answering back that appeared to now be moving towards us. A strong male voice, loudly calling out to me " are you okay"? With a force so determined at that exact moment I began pushing against my attacker, making enough headway to move slightly into the dim light that the shelter offered, while still screaming for help. My only thought was to get away from him. As the voice came nearer my captor slowly dropped his hand from my neck, but just before he freed me he whispered softly in my ear "Next time be more careful honey, it might not be me stalking you". With in seconds just like that he vanished.
The kind man who came to my rescue asked if I was fine. As I assured him even though I was rather shaken up and my neck ached I had not been harmed. He kindly insisted he wait with me till I was safely put on my bus. Still in shock and only vaguely aware of my emotions, we waited together in silence. As my bus pulled up I thanked him. He gently touched my shoulder and told me to feel proud, I had did exactly what I was suppose to do.
I sat near the front of the bus blankly looking out the window. Trying to collectively calm myself and work through all that had just happened. As we pulled to the next stop, I held my breath as I began to feel myself tremble. Looking out the window silent tears slowly rolled down my cheeks as I noticed a large tall figure standing almost in front of me, just blocks away from where I had been. With the same slight smile, he raised his hand to wave to me as the bus began to pass him, then he turned as though he was waiting for someone coming towards him down the street.
Later that night as I laid in my bed I could not help but hear the words over and over in my head from both men "I did exactly what I was suppose to do" and "next time be more careful honey". As I anxiously waited for the rescue of sleep I struggled with one continuous thought. I could surrender to my fear or walk away with something more useful.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
what is sleep
It was my fourth time climbing the stairs in the night. The fourth time I had to pull myself out of bed in the cold wee hours of the night, to answer the calls of the small voices that called out to me from the dark. While the world slept I wandered through my house again and again, to the aid of my two youngest sons. I was tired, cold and beginning to feel the weariness of my life pulling at me. Almost mechanically I worked through the dark hallway toward Josiah and Cody's room. Not even sure which son had now called me I went first to Josiah. After turning and repositioning him to his other side comfortably, I checked on Cody. Whom, I had happily discovered was still soundly asleep. Carefully I closed the door to the room they shared, and began to head back to my room, down stairs. It was almost 5am. It seemed if I did the math right, I had been woken up just about every 1.7 hours to assist my sons. In another 1.5 hours I would be getting up once again, to begin to prepare us for another day. Another day, in the world of fighting Duchenne.
I crawled back in bed pulling the covers up over my head, in the great hopes to keep the thoughts that now were threatening to keep me awake, away. Events and moments, all neatly tangled together, exposing compromise, fear, perseverance, and hope. Thoughts that charged at me, like the flames of a blazing fire. Challenging me to feel beyond the surface of my own emotions. Demanding me to strive for more than I have ever dared to dream. Ever so slowly I felt myself falling. Drifting off to a place of slumber but, very aware of all the conditions with in my world. One thought echoed as I slowly surrendered. I was Loosing in a battle that I was never intended to win.
Memories of events earlier in the week flashed before me, as I felt myself become even more drawn into a state of semi-consciousness. Haunting moments tinged with sorrow flashed through my mind. Laughing moments of pure joy danced along the walls of my semi-sleeping brain. Bringing with it emotions that I fervently had hoped would not trouble me now, with so little time left for sleep. I laid there with out moving. Consumed with my feelings, that this very moment as still as it was, served no purpose other than to remind me of the facts I already knew.
I was almost startled as the sounds of a melody filled my head. It seemed I had only just closed my eyes and my day was now ready to bloom with full force. I smiled to myself, as I rose to greet the morning and shut off my alarm clock. I was Blessed with another day to love my cherished sons. The trouble of my sleepless night swiftly faded. How could I let the loss of sleep even compare to the magnitude of what deep unconditional love brought to my very existence on a daily basis. For deep inside my hidden wounds I knew all too well that one day far far to soon, the sorrow of silence will fill my halls. It will then be sleep I cling too, in the hopes of finding comfort, through my endless nights and days of longing to hear my sons call out to me.
I crawled back in bed pulling the covers up over my head, in the great hopes to keep the thoughts that now were threatening to keep me awake, away. Events and moments, all neatly tangled together, exposing compromise, fear, perseverance, and hope. Thoughts that charged at me, like the flames of a blazing fire. Challenging me to feel beyond the surface of my own emotions. Demanding me to strive for more than I have ever dared to dream. Ever so slowly I felt myself falling. Drifting off to a place of slumber but, very aware of all the conditions with in my world. One thought echoed as I slowly surrendered. I was Loosing in a battle that I was never intended to win.
Memories of events earlier in the week flashed before me, as I felt myself become even more drawn into a state of semi-consciousness. Haunting moments tinged with sorrow flashed through my mind. Laughing moments of pure joy danced along the walls of my semi-sleeping brain. Bringing with it emotions that I fervently had hoped would not trouble me now, with so little time left for sleep. I laid there with out moving. Consumed with my feelings, that this very moment as still as it was, served no purpose other than to remind me of the facts I already knew.
I was almost startled as the sounds of a melody filled my head. It seemed I had only just closed my eyes and my day was now ready to bloom with full force. I smiled to myself, as I rose to greet the morning and shut off my alarm clock. I was Blessed with another day to love my cherished sons. The trouble of my sleepless night swiftly faded. How could I let the loss of sleep even compare to the magnitude of what deep unconditional love brought to my very existence on a daily basis. For deep inside my hidden wounds I knew all too well that one day far far to soon, the sorrow of silence will fill my halls. It will then be sleep I cling too, in the hopes of finding comfort, through my endless nights and days of longing to hear my sons call out to me.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
the unintended date
I hurried toward the front door of the tavern while fumbling with my rain coat I had grabbed from the back seat of my car . I slight chill ran over my bare shoulders. The first date of the evening had gone very well. As he walked me to my car and gently turned to embrace me goodbye, I felt positive, that yes, I would be interested in another date. It was refreshing to meet someone who did not make me question my taste in men. Also it was encouraging to know I could attract a man who was not clingy and needy like the last man whom I had dated for a short period. It was a pleasant surprise that I had actually also found this new suitor to be humorous and charming. So charming that I was almost late for my second date of the night. A date I had only agreed to meet in the hopes of discouraging his interest and reaffirm to him that he was not my type, even though he found me captivating over the phone.
I glanced at my reflection in the large picture window as I approached the front door. I was pleased that I had chosen a slimming sundress, that displayed the slight curve of my hips and a halter neckline that accented my feminine shoulders. The evening air carried a cool summer breeze, but I was determined to not hide under my coat. I felt confident as I tossed my hair that this look was working well for me tonight. I slowed my pace as I neared the door, feeling happy how the evening had gone so far. A deep voice suddenly interrupted my thoughts. Sitting off to the side just outside of the entry I noticed a man and a woman. It appeared it was me this man had just directed a remark too. I smiled with a slight chuckle, as he stated that " I was to pretty not to be smiling". Very quickly I said " My smile was dependent on what was waiting for me inside."
There was a comfortable busy crowd inside. A crowd that hummed with laughter and the buzz of excitement from a typical Friday night. A swift glance around the room let me know my date was not yet present. I quickly grabbed a pub table near the middle of the room that faced the doorway. A bit lost in my thoughts I was almost caught by surprise when I heard a slightly familiar voice speaking to me. The man that I had just seen outside was now standing next to me. Smiling, and seeming very confident. He told me with an almost teasing grin that he was the person I was suppose to be meeting. I scanned him quickly from head to toe. Very much liking what I saw, while enjoying his boldness and the humor in his approach to me. Instantly I found myself a bit drawn to him. Apart of me wished truly that he was the date I was suppose to be meeting.
Very politely and rather quickly he suggested he wait with me for my date. Before I even had time to consider objecting (which truthfully was not what I intended to do) he was making himself comfortable while also extending an invitation to me, to come join his party of family and friends, just across the room from me, if I still felt so compelled to wait for my apparent no show. Indeed this tall handsome stranger was intriguing and if nothing more a sweet answer to the fact that I was being stood up.
After waiting for 15 minutes I did finally agree to accept my new friends invitation. I felt a definite connection, as I learned we knew some of the same people and were graduates of the same high school, though from different years. He was a home boy, which made conversation easy and helped me to feel comfortable with the people in his party.
The evening ended with us exchanging numbers and me agreeing to a dinner date with him the next night. We shared an attraction to each other and it almost seemed too simple to be real. He saw me, approached me, and took a chance. I found myself now feeling very pleased my second date did not show up and more importantly I was feeling excited about seeing him again the next night and any thoughts i had left of my first date that evening were fading fast.
For the record:
We have been happily dating for almost 2 months from that night we met-It never ceases to amaze me just how somethings have a wonderful way of working out when you least expect it.
I glanced at my reflection in the large picture window as I approached the front door. I was pleased that I had chosen a slimming sundress, that displayed the slight curve of my hips and a halter neckline that accented my feminine shoulders. The evening air carried a cool summer breeze, but I was determined to not hide under my coat. I felt confident as I tossed my hair that this look was working well for me tonight. I slowed my pace as I neared the door, feeling happy how the evening had gone so far. A deep voice suddenly interrupted my thoughts. Sitting off to the side just outside of the entry I noticed a man and a woman. It appeared it was me this man had just directed a remark too. I smiled with a slight chuckle, as he stated that " I was to pretty not to be smiling". Very quickly I said " My smile was dependent on what was waiting for me inside."
There was a comfortable busy crowd inside. A crowd that hummed with laughter and the buzz of excitement from a typical Friday night. A swift glance around the room let me know my date was not yet present. I quickly grabbed a pub table near the middle of the room that faced the doorway. A bit lost in my thoughts I was almost caught by surprise when I heard a slightly familiar voice speaking to me. The man that I had just seen outside was now standing next to me. Smiling, and seeming very confident. He told me with an almost teasing grin that he was the person I was suppose to be meeting. I scanned him quickly from head to toe. Very much liking what I saw, while enjoying his boldness and the humor in his approach to me. Instantly I found myself a bit drawn to him. Apart of me wished truly that he was the date I was suppose to be meeting.
Very politely and rather quickly he suggested he wait with me for my date. Before I even had time to consider objecting (which truthfully was not what I intended to do) he was making himself comfortable while also extending an invitation to me, to come join his party of family and friends, just across the room from me, if I still felt so compelled to wait for my apparent no show. Indeed this tall handsome stranger was intriguing and if nothing more a sweet answer to the fact that I was being stood up.
After waiting for 15 minutes I did finally agree to accept my new friends invitation. I felt a definite connection, as I learned we knew some of the same people and were graduates of the same high school, though from different years. He was a home boy, which made conversation easy and helped me to feel comfortable with the people in his party.
The evening ended with us exchanging numbers and me agreeing to a dinner date with him the next night. We shared an attraction to each other and it almost seemed too simple to be real. He saw me, approached me, and took a chance. I found myself now feeling very pleased my second date did not show up and more importantly I was feeling excited about seeing him again the next night and any thoughts i had left of my first date that evening were fading fast.
For the record:
We have been happily dating for almost 2 months from that night we met-It never ceases to amaze me just how somethings have a wonderful way of working out when you least expect it.
Friday, July 25, 2014
explaining a moment of sadness
There are times I can find myself absorbed into emotions that clutch at me so strongly I am literally frozen with in its grasp. Unable to move past the murky underseas that fights to control my thoughts. Emotions triggered only after exhaustion and fatigue have left me drained and feeling my very inner strength has been defeated. I am at these times steadfast clinging to a desire to be any where but the current plateau that I have allowed to control me. Toremnted by fear that I have somehow failed with all my attempts to somehow control the parts of me that manifest what I detest most, my inner fear and anguish -thoughts that I have somehow not lived up to my own expectations.
Alone in my thoughts and with words driven from a passion so deep with in me I surrender. I surrender in hopes to explore serenity. A quality of peacefulness that will carry me to a place drenched with hope and consumed by love. But only after accepting I cannot defy the human qualities I posses and will occasionally find myself overwhelmed with- stress from this world and the journey that I have been destined to travel.
In simpler words but more direct I am a mom first and foremost. A mother challenged daily with meeting the needs of her two terminally ill sons. A woman challenged by a world that demands her to be resilient and beautiful all at the same time. A special mom who knows accepting sorrow into her world is the only way to move past despair. A mother consumed with hopes and dreams but also the knowledge that death is a reality in her world far to soon for her children.
For the few who have no idea what I am even talking about- the words behind my smile says it very clearly. The adventures I have had with my sons shows that all though there are moments short of laughter at times, I have one ambition, to be the force my sons need, to prevail in a world full of barriers. I accept there are days that will cause my smile to fade, but only momentarily. Through the beauty of being a special needs mother I have found great joy with in my sorrow.
Alone in my thoughts and with words driven from a passion so deep with in me I surrender. I surrender in hopes to explore serenity. A quality of peacefulness that will carry me to a place drenched with hope and consumed by love. But only after accepting I cannot defy the human qualities I posses and will occasionally find myself overwhelmed with- stress from this world and the journey that I have been destined to travel.
In simpler words but more direct I am a mom first and foremost. A mother challenged daily with meeting the needs of her two terminally ill sons. A woman challenged by a world that demands her to be resilient and beautiful all at the same time. A special mom who knows accepting sorrow into her world is the only way to move past despair. A mother consumed with hopes and dreams but also the knowledge that death is a reality in her world far to soon for her children.
For the few who have no idea what I am even talking about- the words behind my smile says it very clearly. The adventures I have had with my sons shows that all though there are moments short of laughter at times, I have one ambition, to be the force my sons need, to prevail in a world full of barriers. I accept there are days that will cause my smile to fade, but only momentarily. Through the beauty of being a special needs mother I have found great joy with in my sorrow.
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