There are times I can find myself absorbed into emotions that clutch at me so strongly I am literally frozen with in its grasp. Unable to move past the murky underseas that fights to control my thoughts. Emotions triggered only after exhaustion and fatigue have left me drained and feeling my very inner strength has been defeated. I am at these times steadfast clinging to a desire to be any where but the current plateau that I have allowed to control me. Fear that I have somehow failed and all my attempts to somehow control the parts of me that manifest what I detest most, my inner fear and anguish -that I have somehow not lived up to my own expectations.
Alone in my thoughts and with words driven from a passion so deep with in me I surrender. I surrender in hopes to explore serenity. A quality of peacefulness that will carry me to a place drenched with hope and consumed by love. But only after accepting I cannot defy the human qualities I posses and will occasionally find myself overwhelmed with- stress from this world and the journey that I have been destined to travel.
In simpler words but more direct I am a mom first and foremost. A mother challenged daily with meeting the needs of her two terminally ill sons. A woman challenged by a world that demands her to be resilient and beautiful all at the same time. A special mom who knows accepting sorrow into her world is the only way to move past despair. A mother consumed with hopes and dreams but also the knowledge that death is a reality in her world far to soon for her children.
For the few who have no idea what I am even talking about- the words behind my smile says it very clearly. The adventures I have had with my sons shows that all though there are moments short of laughter at times, I have one ambition, to be the force my sons need, to prevail in a world full of barriers. I accept there are days that will cause my smile to fade, but only momentarily. Through the beauty of being a special needs mother I have found great joy with in my sorrow.